Tag Archives: self-awareness

I’m trying…

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Ive spent the better part of this morning looking through old cookbooks and online for food ideas for next week.  I know I don’t want to settle for the weight I’m at.  I still have LOTS of work to do and I can allow a week of wallowing but then I HAVE to get back to work.  The month of July was really a doozy for me and I think if I can just acknowledge that and move forward then maybe I won’t be lost at sea forever.

On the menu for next week are some of my old favorites from my Dr. Phil diet days…I am going to be making his Refrigerator Applesauce Bran Muffins and his Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry.  The muffins are awesome and you make a whole bunch of batter that can be refrigerated for 3 weeks so you just make a few muffins at a time so that they’re fresh.  They are only 100 calories per muffin and I usually eat two for breakfast for fiber and carbs and then make an egg or something for protein.  The Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry is just your standard asian stir fry dish but one serving is only 176 calories with 21g of protein.  And its delish!  I might share his recipes here when I make them, we’ll see.  If not you can always pick up the cookbook on Amazon.

I also had the chance to talk with my dad last night about ideas for marketing myself so that I can bring in more clients.  This would eliminate the need for a second job and trying to completely overhaul my schedule and care for Preston.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  Having a plan is always calming to me – even if I don’t execute the plan as I wrote it, its more the idea that I have a road map to follow that really helps me feel at peace about my life.  So food plans and work/marketing plans are a good place to start.

The weather in Chicago today is right around 75 degrees.  It is a wonderful break from the heat we’ve had all summer.  The skies are overcast so that isn’t helping my gloomy mood but I know that getting outside, maybe chasing after Preston on his bike, will help lift my spirits and my energy.  I only have one client tonight (down from three scheduled) but I will be home early enough to possibly start working on organizing my living space.  I am going to have to push myself really hard to get to work but I know that having a clean and orderly living space will help me feel calmer on the inside.  Maybe I’ll even go to bed a little bit early tonight so I don’t feel like a zombie tomorrow :)

I am looking forward to a few things in the coming months and focusing on those things are sometimes helpful when I feel so blah…

This weekend Preston and I are heading into the city (a place that always gives me life!) to help my aunt with a few things.  My two amazing friends, Heidi and Liz are going to be hanging with Preston while I work and then we will hopefully all spend some time together. Social and out of the house are my main goals for my weekends and it appears as though I will be accomplishing both :)

Next week Monday Pres and I have his orientation for Pre-K 4 :)  He is attending our parish’s preschool program again this year.  He went two mornings a week last year and really loved it so this year its 3 mornings a week!  I’m hopeful that I can successfully use that time to exercise and meal plan so that I’m not taking any time away from him and both of those things are easier without him.  I also just signed him up for his fall activities – he’s taking a ballet/tap class and a hiphop/jazz class.  He took ballet this summer and dancing seems to be the only thing he wants to do.  I plan on encouraging him to try several different sports and activities so that he can get a real sense of what it is he likes to do but for this fall we are sticking with dance.

I’m also excited about school starting because that means fall and that means cooler temps, raking leaves, jeans, sweaters, apple picking, pumpkin carving and all those fun fall activities.  As far as seasons go, fall is my #1.

Thank you to those of you that left me encouraging comments, even just one comment helps to redirect my focus and remember that I don’t have such a bad deal going on.  It helps me remember that I deserve to fight for what I want even if it feels like I’ve been fighting for a very long time.  I trust that God has a plan for my life and I need to be patient and present for the challenging times as well as the easier/happier times.  I’m trying…

to being strong…

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I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!?  I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden.  I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place.  I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment.  The before and after pictures.  The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it.  How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful.  I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful.  But what about those of us still in the trenches??  I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006.  That’s 6 and a half years!  Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days.  Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker.  I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy.  But here it goes:

I feel alone.  And dark.  And tired.  And sad.  And stuck.  And alone.  And alone.  And alone.

My diet has been shit this week.  Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through.  My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me.  My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on.  Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill.  I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks.  When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness.  I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone.  Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting.  I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend.  I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different).  I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband.  I want to be chosen by someone.  I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you.  You are the one that I choose above any others.  You are worth choosing.”  I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night.  I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times.  I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it.  I want someone to sit with at mass.  I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate.  I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready.  At least I think I am.  I just don’t want to do life alone anymore.  It sucks.  It does, it really just sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone.  So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members.  I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there.  And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad.  I have awesome friends and an amazing family.  I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without.  I am aware I have it better than some, many even.  Am I selfish for wanting more?  For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now.  I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected.  All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight.  I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy?  Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you.  I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week?  Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting.  All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there.  :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job.  I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston.  I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston.  I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me.  I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality.  This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like.  I never would have laid out this path as the one to take.  Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are.  I know this.  I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!!  I am just really struggling with it for myself.  I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it.  With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this.  I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this.  Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment.  I’m just really struggling with that.  I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life.  I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top?  When do I summit this beast of a mountain?  How much further and harder can I push?  Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day.  My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time.  Here’s to being strong…

Avoidance with a capital A!

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Ok I have been majorly avoiding my commitment to blogging regularly.  I’m sorry.  The past few weeks or even month have been challenging to say the least.  From birthday parties to traveling and personal drama I am ready for things to feel a little more consistent and calmer.  I think I am finally getting back to that :)

So where to begin??  This past week was bad on my diet.  I’m up 3lbs – its mostly water retention etc but I was definitely lazy last week (only 1 workout!) and ate poorly.  I wouldn’t say that I was binging but I was making the unhealthier choices instead of the healthier ones.  I’m ashamed to have put some weight back on but I’m back on the horse and back at it.  My hope is that this week I”ll be back to where I was two weeks ago and then I can keep losing.  It feels so good to look in the mirror and feel thinner.  It also feels good to shrink out of my clothes and I have some great winter clothes that if I stay focused will fit quite nicely this fall/winter.

Some of my reasons for not being strict with myself were just that I started to have cravings for bad stuff.  I think that the major reason the cravings began were because I’ve been having some personal drama with Preston’s dad.  I’m not going to get into details here because I don’t think that’s appropriate but it has had been really overwhelmed and stressed out for the past month or so.  I want so badly to not allow my eating/diet to be effected by stress but its what I know.  I eat to fill the empty/alone feeling when stuff is stressing me out!  No wonder I gained so much weight during grad school!!  Anyway, I am trying very hard to get myself back on track.  In the past messing up for a week would mean I would begin to believe that I wasn’t capable of losing weight and that I was failing.  I have tried to reorient my thinking so that I recognize the setback but don’t let it mean anything more than that.  Yesterday was the first “good” day start to finish.  I ate really well and did an hour of cardio which felt good and tiring.  I also got a full nights sleep that helped tremendously.  I noticed that when I’m making bad choices my water intake goes down a ton, so I have made a point to increase my water consumption again – it helps soooo much with cravings.

Aside from the diet/food issues and the drama with the baby daddy life has been alright.  Preston and I spent the weekend with my aunt two weekends ago and enjoyed pool time, eating out, a visit to Navy Pier and a fun production of Beauty and the Beast.  Preston was fascinated by the costumes and music of the show.  Preston is truly a dramatic and theatrical person at heart and so its really fun to take him to shows.  I like to watch him, watching the show, even though he doesn’t have the words to explain the pleasure he gets from it you can see it on his face and it just makes me so happy.  Last weekend we headed down to central Illinois where my best friend Katie lives.  Her daughter Lorelei (who happens to be my god-daughter) is 6 months younger than Preston and they have such a great time playing together while Katie and I enjoy spending grown up time together.  It was a nice quick trip.

Our summer has really been pretty fun.  Preston loves his ballet class.  We try to hit up the library regularly and the pool.  He doesn’t nap anymore – hasn’t in over a year – so we make the most of our day having fun and playing and then he’s asleep around 6:30pm.  That’s the best part of no naps, early bedtime and time to relax or go to work :)

I have been feeling this desire to reconnect or connect with people to expand my social network.  I have lots of friends, but they are mostly spread out and not easily accessible in person.  I also think that as you get older your circle of friends just keeps shrinking.  But in an effort to combat my loneliness I have decided I’d like more friends in the area.  So even though I haven’t really taken any major strides to meet a bunch of new people its something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Ok this post is getting totally random.  I am sorry for my absence and avoidance for so long.  I’m ready to get back to blogging regularly and sharing my success as well as my slower less productive weeks.

Two weeks that felt like two months!!

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So its been forever since I’ve constructed an actual post.  At first I kept forgetting because I was so busy and then I just decided I needed to focus on the business and come back to it after my trip.  So here I am.  I’m back!!!  Lots to update on :)

A week and a half ago was Preston’s 4th birthday party.  I spent a good portion of that week cleaning the house, baking layers of Preston’s rainbow cake and helping my aunt get ready for her move.  That week was bananas!!  The party went really well.  I even squeezed in a 7.5 mile bike ride before the party :)  I weighed myself the morning of the party and had lost 0.6lbs that week so my total now is 20.8lbs.  I can’t even remember if I posted that already.  I was happy that it was a loss and coming off of two larger weeks I was totally ok with it.

Before the party I had made a decision that from the day of the party until today I would let myself off the hook with the diet.  I knew I would be really busy so working out would be challenging to fit in- I got one in last week.  I also wanted to be able to relax with Preston’s party, going out for my friend Heidi’s birthday, then Preston’s actual birthday, my birthday, and a road trip to North Carolina to visit my grandparents all in a week and a half (although it feels like a month!).  I knew that this past week would be tough to have as much control and part of me wanted a little break from being strict.  Today I got back on track – went to the gym and started to sweat just walking out to my car because it is sooo crazy hot!  I also ate food that is diet approved.  I also tried really hard to drink a considerable amount of water because I kind of fell of the wagon with that as well.

Now for details: Preston’s party was a blast.  I worked really hard on the cake and it turned out awesome.  Everyone had a lot of good things to say (even though it was just box cake) and I was happy the rainbow-ness turned out!!

I also incorporated rainbow in the rest of the table setting.  I got colored goldfish crackers (because what kid doesn’t love goldfish??), I filled bowls with skittles and m&m’s.  I did a veggie tray and cheese & cracker tray and the part I was most proud of was the rainbow fruit kabobs!

I bought the fruit the morning of the party so it was all really fresh and it worked out really well.  I also added the Rolo’s at the end to represent the gold at the end of the rainbow :)  The fruit was a big hit!  Preston was really well behaved and had a ton of fun opening all of his presents.  My favorite picture of him is when we were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

I can not believe he’s 4 now!!!  Lots to reflect on!

I remember this day like it was yesterday!!

The week after the party was actual birthday week.  His birthday was on Tuesday and we celebrated by spending his birthday $$ at ToysRUs in the morning and catching Brave in 3D.  We had a great time and just enjoyed the day.  I had intended to do a whole birthday post about him – it will hopefully come later this week.  Preston is so special to me (of course because he’s my son), but having navigated 4 years (or 3 years and 10 months) of being a single mom has been no easy feat and I’m amazed at how far we have come.

My birthday was Thursday and was pretty uneventful.  I am now 29.  One year away from 30.  I have to be honest I am looking forward to my 30s, I think good things will happen in my 30s.  I will not be re-celebrating my 29th birthday for the rest of my life.  I plan to embrace the understanding, perspective, and wisdom that come with being in your 30s (and maybe hopefully a man!)  The only fun thing to happen on my birthday was that I decided to give myself bangs :)  I had the side bangs going for about a year but my hair was just begging to be normal bangs so I made the switch.  I like them for now.

The day after my birthday we left for North Carolina.  My older sister, Meredith and I had been planning for a couple of months to take a trip to North Carolina to visit my dad’s parents.  We call them Mimi and Papa.  I hadn’t taken Preston to their house since he was an infant.  I wanted to wait until he was old enough that I didn’t have to be on top of him at every moment making sure he didn’t get into trouble.  He did great!

Preston and I left Chicago around 7AM on Friday morning.  My sister had been visiting a friend in West Virginia so we were meeting her later in the day in KY.  I had Preston’s DVD player hooked up and enough movies to watch back to back to NC and back.  We loaded up with books, coloring books, Barbies, and other toys.  The trip there was pretty easy and we arrived about 12 hours later.  Papa had a list of activities planned for us that were Preston friendly.  Pres helped walk the dogs, took rides on the golf cart, we took him swimming, hiking, and to visit the goats at the Carl Sandberg Home.

throwing rocks into the stream

Papa and Meredith took Preston to a children’s museum while I hung out with my friend Johanita who drove up for the day on Saturday: she was my best friend when I lived in Atlanta, GA which is only about 3 hours from my grandparents house and we hadn’t seen each other in just over two years!!  Meredith took a few pictures of Preston at the children’s museum.

We really had a great time with my grandparents.  They are amazing people and its always nice to get out of town and spend quality time with family members you don’t get to see very often.

We got home around 6pm yesterday.  I was EXHAUSTED!  My diet was least clean on our trip but it was nice to be a little bit relaxed.  And food on the road can be tricky.  I am planning to weigh myself this Sunday as usual and if I’ve maintained or even gained a little I am 100% ok with that.  This is the part of the journey that I need practice with and so allowing times where I am not calorie counting or even eating decently are part of life and part of my journey.  I plan to take time off from the diet every couple of months just for practice and to be realistic.  I know a lot of people talk about not calling it a diet and just maintaining a healthy lifestyle change but I do look at the losing period of time as a diet – it works for me – and thats why I talk about it this way.  So overall I had a great couple of weeks.  I am ready for some normal life time though :)  Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th!

Sometimes its a hard conversation.

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Yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with Preston about why he doesn’t live with his Mom AND Dad.  Over the past few months he has begun asking little questions here and there, but yesterday was the first time he really was looking for answers.  We were talking about a friend of mine who recently had a baby and how that baby lives with both her mommy and daddy.  Preston asked something about why he doesn’t have that kind of family (this stuff tugs on my heart strings so bad!).  I told him that families come in all different ways – some kids live with a mom and dad, some with one parent and their grandparents, some are adopted because their birth mom and dad can’t take care of them, some have two mommies and no daddy, etc and I explained he just has a different kind of family than the baby we were talking about.  He seemed ok with that explanation and was quiet for a minute.

“Mommy maybe you should marry Daddy and then I can have that kind of family.”  Ugh!  How do I avoid that?  I tried to tell him that his mom and dad used to live together and decided that they really like being just friends and not married.  He continued with his questioning, “Ok but are you going to get married to someone?” I only pray about it daily!!!!!  “Yes, Preston, hopefully someday I will get married.”  He thought a minute about this and then said “When you get married I can have a brother.  I don’t want a sister anymore, I want a brother to play with.  Ok Mom?  Can I have that?” While this whole conversation was happening my heart was just melting for my little boy who has such a different reality than I did at his age in terms of his family structure and it makes me sad for him – mostly because it’s so foreign to me.  I tried to explain to him that I can’t guarantee a sibling for him someday but I told him that someday he can definitely have a dog, a boy dog :)  Preston was perfectly satisfied by the idea of having a dog “brother”.  He went on to talk about what color dog he wants (purple) and what he might name him.

I’ve always tried to be very honest with Preston.  Whatever the topic is I try to age appropriately answer Preston’s questions about life.  Even the ones that lead down the road to sex ed (don’t worry he’s not asking specific questions yet, but I plan to be very straightforward about that stuff).  In my opinion talking about things honestly now will make things clearer in the future and may hopefully encourage him be more willing to talk to me in the future.  When it comes to explaining why Preston lives with his Mom, Nana, and Pops most of the time and his Dad every other weekend I continue to be very open about the facts and why things are the way they are, keeping in mind he is just a child.  I don’t know if this is the best route, but it feels right for us.  His dad hasn’t really weighed in on how he’d prefer these things were handled so I’m just doing it my way.  My biggest fear is that when Preston grows older he will ask why I chose to have him when his father and me were not married and broke up so shortly after he was born.  In his questions about his family structure now, he dances around this question with only the understanding of a small child so I have told him that his mom and dad wanted him so much and God blessed us with him even though we wanted to just be friends.  I know its a bit fluffy and its not totally straightforward but it is true that I wanted to be a mom more than anything ever since I was a young girl, I always wanted a little boy, and Preston has influenced my life in a direction I would not have taken had I not gotten pregnant so I do believe God divinely intervened in Preston’s conception (as I believe he does in all conception – but that’s not what I’m talking about now).  Anyway – such a challenging topic to broach with him but I’m hopeful that he will be able to sort out the logistics of his family structure and the fact that he is very much loved and very much cherished by many people.

He really is such a joy!  Thanks for listening to my rant, as a reward I will end this post with a video of Pres singing one of his favorite Disney songs :)

One Month Down!!

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I kind of forgot yesterday to mention that I am officially one month and 14lbs down!  Woohoo!  I feel so good and optimistic about losing this time around :)  I need to do an update on my pictures (yes I know I’ve posted none of them, I’m still feeling a bit shy) but I redid my measurements and was completely shocked at the changes!  So let me share:

  • Waist: -3.0 inches
  • Hip: -3.0 inches
  • Ribs: -1.0 inches
  • Chest: -3.0 inches
  • Upper arm: -0.5 inches
  • Thigh: -1.0 inches

Whoa.  That is so encouraging!!

This past month I think I did a number of things really well.  One thing is my earlier bedtime.  Getting more sleep at night has definitely helped me stay the course – the days I’m not rested have been the rougher ones for sure!  Eating as much fiber as I can has helped me feel full longer and has helped with cravings as well.  Additionally the 96+oz. of water that I’m drinking every day help me get by between meals/snacks without feeling hungry.  I really didn’t think I would exercise as much as I did this month because I thought it would feel like too much, but I’ve really only done what I want to do and just pushed a little to head to the gym if I’m not in the mood.  But it definitely always helps me feel better.

When I started last month I was able to do about 35 minutes on the elliptical comfortably and 40-45 was pushing it.  I am now regularly doing 60 minutes on the elliptical and at a higher resistance and feel really good through the majority of the workout.  I exercised 19 of the past 30 days.  At the beginning of the month I was a tight size 22 pant and am now a barely tight/just right size 20 (that was unexpected).  This month we went from Pres being in school and taking gymnastics class to summertime and ballet class :)  The transition time is always interesting.  I have posted 4 new meals that I have repeatedly enjoyed this month.  My average pounds lost per week is 3.5.  All in all a pretty respectable and exciting first month.

…You are not the Biggest Loser

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This morning I opened up my email and found this waiting for me…

Just a couple of weeks/months ago I signed up at NBC.com to get info on when they were casting for the next season.  Looks like its coming up at the end of this month.  And the Chicago location is barely a stones throw away from my house!  But as soon as I opened this email a wide smirk passed across my face.  I don’t need this information.  I’m doing this on my own.

After watching season after season of this show (the show started around the time I was losing weight – 2005/6) I began to dream about being a contestant.  I am fully aware that the way they do things is a bit controversial but I wanted the results.  I held myself back from auditioning for the past three years because I’m a single mom and couldn’t fathom being away from Preston and/or figuring out the childcare situation.  I always wonder how contestants are able to just take a leave of absence from life and most have a spouse taking care of their children and jobs that allow them to do something like this – or at least I assume.  I however don’t know anyone that would be able or willing to sign up for up to 4 months of 24/7 childcare of Pres and I only get paid when I work and if I stopped working I’d have to rebuild my caseload and so it just hasn’t ever felt totally right for me.

This year I thought: If I don’t lose the weight really soon I continue to run the risk of shortening my life and if I die how would all those logistics get figured out with someone having to raise my son etc.  I decided that this year I would audition so that maybe if I were picked I could get out of the danger zone and live a long life for Preston.  I thought if its in God’s divine plan for me to lose the weight and do it by being on the show I’ll get a spot and somehow I’ll figure out the childcare/no income thing.  I mean I somehow managed to get through graduate school with a toddler!

And now here I am, one month into making some drastic changes for my life and feeling good about where I am ALL ON MY OWN (well sans show at least).  Receiving that email reminded me that the plans we make for ourselves are not often the way the plans play out.  It motivated me to keep on trucking.  The people who wait in line and audition for the show are not where I am.  They are where I felt I was when I signed up to receive the email.  I feel blessed and excited that I can delete that email and not worry about logistics of child care, just logistics of feeding myself the right fuel and getting my workouts in.  It reminds me I’ve come a long way mentally in the weeks/months since I signed up for that email, and that will help me keep on, keeping on.  :)

Have you ever considered auditioning for Biggest Loser?  Have you ever actually auditioned and gone through that process – I’m always curious about the behind the scenes stuff.

Weigh In

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I only lost 0.8lbs this week.  I have to admit I was a little bit disappointed when I weighed in, but at the same time I just knew I wasn’t going to have much of a loss this week.  Paired with my big loss last week, and I just didn’t feel so great about this week.  But after the initial let down I was fine with it.  For one, I knew it wasn’t going to be a big loss and since that was confirmed now I know that weeks like this past one don’t yield such big numbers.  Also, it means that hopefully next week will be a good week.

I’m pretty sure I know where I went wrong last week.  For starters I didn’t eat enough calories!!!  This is becoming a common theme and I think it relates very closely to the way I was limiting calories at the end of my last significant weight loss.  Its definitely not the same, it just relates.  I am good at eating really minimal calories and less good at being flexible and allowing wiggle room.  But counting calories has really helped me see this so I think this has been a fabulous learning experience.  Once I notice I am not going to hit 1200 calories I tend to eat enough to get me caught up.  Leading me to the next problem – I eat too few calories all day and then at dinner I eat more because that is when I realize I won’t have enough for the day.

So this week I’m going to plan it all out again.  Down to the calories to make sure I’m getting enough during the day.  The thing is since I’m not eating huge meals anymore, my stomach has gone back to regular size and so the meals I am eating keep me full and I sort of forget about eating until I get hungry and then its too late.  So I have to get ahead of this pattern and just plan out the times in which I’ll eat, and what.  I’m thinking that including more snacks will do the trick.

So my total loss is not at 13.8lbs down and I’m totally ok with it.  I like this journey; it even surprises me that its been a month already.  I definitely feel like my body is changing and my clothes are fitting better every single day :)  And that makes me feel fabulous.  As well as the energy and lack of severe pain in my knees :)  All in all the month has been good.

Since I’m upping the snacks this week I’d love some ideas about good 100-200 calorie snacks.  Hope your weekends were fabulous!!

angry.

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I’m feeling angry toady.  Really REALLY angry.  My anger is directed at a particular person who made a horrible decision that affects my son.  I am so angry about it I could swear for ten minutes straight and I’m not sure I could convey how much anger I feel inside of me.  Anger is one of the emotions that I don’t have a problem with feeling and expressing.  I am what some in my line of work might deem a ‘quick to anger’ kind of person.  Instead of letting things simmer and bother me for a long time without saying anything until I explode (a slow to anger type) I am ready and willing to express my anger when I feel it.  Neither way is right or wrong, and both ways of dealing with upsetting things can get you into trouble.  But my way is definitely quick to anger.  I get angry sometimes about little things and express it and move on without it feeling like a lasting thing.  I have scorched a few people in my life because of this trait of mine.  But I am also not typically simmering with anger at anyone because I get it out as I express it.  This particular situation last night sent me through the roof.  So angry that I am struggling to find words to describe it.  And as I have grown older and wiser ;) I have made more of an effort not to scorch those around me when I get angry and instead let the feeling subside a bit before expressing it.  It seems to be most beneficial for myself and those around me.

When I work with my clients on anger I typically talk about how anger is a secondary emotion.  That it is the emotion that rises to the top but there are usually other feelings going on beneath the surface that fuel the anger.  Anger is just more socially acceptable than fear or sadness for example.  The example I use is: when someone cuts you off you get angry with the other driver, sometimes mutter some choice words at them, and other times whip out the bird and send it their direction.  Either way you express anger, but what sits below that is fear.  Fear that you could have been in an accident, fear for your safety, and when that was threatened your expression of it turned to anger.  So in this time of waiting out my anger I decided to ask myself what is beneath the anger in this situation.

Frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness are the feelings that come to mind.  Frustration for me is almost always and immediately turned to anger.  When I’m frustrated with something anger happens very quickly.  A very clever way of avoiding feeling frustrated.  Disappointment is something I feel somewhat confident in handling – everyone experiences disappointment and it doesn’t have an isolating feeling associated with it so I’m ok with a little let down every now and then.  Fear is something I don’t like, I typically cope with fear by reaching out – talking to people and expressing my fears helps me to normalize my fears and get a grip on reality.    I cope with disbelief similarly to disappointment.  I don’t live the same as a lot of people in this world, I have different viewpoints and at times other people act in ways that lead me to disbelief but I reason that they are simply wired different than me – I’m big on the ‘different strokes for different folks’ mentality.  Betrayal and sadness lead me to eat.  Plain and simple, I don’t like dealing with these two.  They lead me to feel isolated, lonely, disrespected – and all of those play into my fears & insecurities about my self worth.  Particularly in this situation because it was something involving the care of my son it reminds me about my status as a single mom and that enhances my feelings of loneliness and thoughts of “how did I get into this mess?”.

I was proud of myself that yesterday after discovering that my sons care had been neglected and disregarded to the level that is in the ABSOLUTELY NOT OK category I thought about taking a bike ride.  I was so mad and had no words that all I wanted to do was get on my bike and ride around until I felt clear inside.  So I am happy that my initial reaction for coping was something that is healthy for me.  However, at that moment it was time to get my little man some dinner and put him to bed.  I swallowed my anger down and focused on my responsibility as mom.  After I said goodnight to Preston and shut his door I allowed myself to fully feel/reflect on this information I learned about how he spent his weekend away from me.  The anger was so quick to appear that all these other feelings quietly sat unattended beneath the surface.  I made my dinner and ate alone.  This is when the real stuff started to creep up.  This is when I thought about food in a coping/avoiding kind of way.  I didn’t actually feel like acting on this desire my body was informing me of – I tried to stay focused, recognize it, and allowed it to pass.  I told myself no.  I didn’t allow any space to entertain the idea of what type of food I might want to binge on or anything like that.  It was the people that read this blog and what it represents for me that helped me shut down that possibility very quickly.

But now I’m left to deal with all this ugly anger and all of its little buddies that follow along behind him.  In times like this I think a lot about how much I struggle being a single mom.  I tell myself that if I were married I wouldn’t feel so alone.  I make up that people that are married always have a person they can seek solace and support in.  Rationally I know that isn’t always the case – in fact sometimes it is the person you are married to that brings up the feelings that I have been feeling for the past 18 hours.  So I know that I’m lying to myself – that I’m feeling lonely and frustrated (and wanting a prince charming to rescue me) and the story I make up about married people fits with how I feel.  But continuing to believe that I don’t have what all married people have is not really helpful for me.  I may not have a husband but I have family and friends that listen to and support me.  Might it be different if I had a husband?  Maybe.  But only maybe.  So for now I will sit in and process my frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness.  I will try not to avoid feeling those things and instead let them help me take action.  Let them help guide me in what to do next and how to respond to a situation that has left me feeling so angry.

Saturday Check In.

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Tomorrow is my fourth weigh in!  Three weeks down :)  The day before a weigh in I am always hyper aware of what my activity level is and what I’m eating.  Today I have a lot of cleaning and organizing planned, meal planning, and some sort of work out – probably a bike ride if the weather allows, otherwise I’ll head over to Xsport and do the elliptical.  I have definitely been feeling thinner this week.  I feel like my body is changing a lot and it probably is changing but so much of that is mental too.  I think this week I’ve had a really good mental shift.

I am not as afraid to think about the future and continuing this diet and losing weight.  The first two weeks were tough because of switching things up so drastically for my body that I was hungry at weird times and times when I knew I couldn’t eat like bedtime.  I was just off a little bit.  This week though I’ve been feeling really positive about this change.  I am loving all the support I’m finding in family, friends, and the blog-world.  Its been SO helpful and encouraging!!!

I am hoping for a more than 3 pound loss this week.  We’ll see.  If I don’t get it I will manage it but it’d be nice.  Either way I know my body is starting to change.  I don’t see all the puffiness in my face anymore.  And it feels like my waist is shrinking.  I’ll do measurements in another week (I’m planning to do them once a month).  That should be exciting!  Hope you all have fun plans for today and are doing something fun to enjoy the long weekend.  I am home alone – Preston is with his dad and my parents are out of town so its nice to just do my own thing for a few days :)