Tag Archives: motivation

to being strong…

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I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!?  I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden.  I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place.  I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment.  The before and after pictures.  The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it.  How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful.  I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful.  But what about those of us still in the trenches??  I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006.  That’s 6 and a half years!  Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days.  Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker.  I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy.  But here it goes:

I feel alone.  And dark.  And tired.  And sad.  And stuck.  And alone.  And alone.  And alone.

My diet has been shit this week.  Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through.  My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me.  My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on.  Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill.  I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks.  When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness.  I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone.  Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting.  I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend.  I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different).  I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband.  I want to be chosen by someone.  I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you.  You are the one that I choose above any others.  You are worth choosing.”  I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night.  I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times.  I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it.  I want someone to sit with at mass.  I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate.  I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready.  At least I think I am.  I just don’t want to do life alone anymore.  It sucks.  It does, it really just sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone.  So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members.  I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there.  And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad.  I have awesome friends and an amazing family.  I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without.  I am aware I have it better than some, many even.  Am I selfish for wanting more?  For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now.  I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected.  All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight.  I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy?  Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you.  I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week?  Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting.  All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there.  :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job.  I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston.  I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston.  I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me.  I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality.  This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like.  I never would have laid out this path as the one to take.  Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are.  I know this.  I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!!  I am just really struggling with it for myself.  I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it.  With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this.  I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this.  Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment.  I’m just really struggling with that.  I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life.  I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top?  When do I summit this beast of a mountain?  How much further and harder can I push?  Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day.  My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time.  Here’s to being strong…

Two weeks that felt like two months!!

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So its been forever since I’ve constructed an actual post.  At first I kept forgetting because I was so busy and then I just decided I needed to focus on the business and come back to it after my trip.  So here I am.  I’m back!!!  Lots to update on :)

A week and a half ago was Preston’s 4th birthday party.  I spent a good portion of that week cleaning the house, baking layers of Preston’s rainbow cake and helping my aunt get ready for her move.  That week was bananas!!  The party went really well.  I even squeezed in a 7.5 mile bike ride before the party :)  I weighed myself the morning of the party and had lost 0.6lbs that week so my total now is 20.8lbs.  I can’t even remember if I posted that already.  I was happy that it was a loss and coming off of two larger weeks I was totally ok with it.

Before the party I had made a decision that from the day of the party until today I would let myself off the hook with the diet.  I knew I would be really busy so working out would be challenging to fit in- I got one in last week.  I also wanted to be able to relax with Preston’s party, going out for my friend Heidi’s birthday, then Preston’s actual birthday, my birthday, and a road trip to North Carolina to visit my grandparents all in a week and a half (although it feels like a month!).  I knew that this past week would be tough to have as much control and part of me wanted a little break from being strict.  Today I got back on track – went to the gym and started to sweat just walking out to my car because it is sooo crazy hot!  I also ate food that is diet approved.  I also tried really hard to drink a considerable amount of water because I kind of fell of the wagon with that as well.

Now for details: Preston’s party was a blast.  I worked really hard on the cake and it turned out awesome.  Everyone had a lot of good things to say (even though it was just box cake) and I was happy the rainbow-ness turned out!!

I also incorporated rainbow in the rest of the table setting.  I got colored goldfish crackers (because what kid doesn’t love goldfish??), I filled bowls with skittles and m&m’s.  I did a veggie tray and cheese & cracker tray and the part I was most proud of was the rainbow fruit kabobs!

I bought the fruit the morning of the party so it was all really fresh and it worked out really well.  I also added the Rolo’s at the end to represent the gold at the end of the rainbow :)  The fruit was a big hit!  Preston was really well behaved and had a ton of fun opening all of his presents.  My favorite picture of him is when we were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

I can not believe he’s 4 now!!!  Lots to reflect on!

I remember this day like it was yesterday!!

The week after the party was actual birthday week.  His birthday was on Tuesday and we celebrated by spending his birthday $$ at ToysRUs in the morning and catching Brave in 3D.  We had a great time and just enjoyed the day.  I had intended to do a whole birthday post about him – it will hopefully come later this week.  Preston is so special to me (of course because he’s my son), but having navigated 4 years (or 3 years and 10 months) of being a single mom has been no easy feat and I’m amazed at how far we have come.

My birthday was Thursday and was pretty uneventful.  I am now 29.  One year away from 30.  I have to be honest I am looking forward to my 30s, I think good things will happen in my 30s.  I will not be re-celebrating my 29th birthday for the rest of my life.  I plan to embrace the understanding, perspective, and wisdom that come with being in your 30s (and maybe hopefully a man!)  The only fun thing to happen on my birthday was that I decided to give myself bangs :)  I had the side bangs going for about a year but my hair was just begging to be normal bangs so I made the switch.  I like them for now.

The day after my birthday we left for North Carolina.  My older sister, Meredith and I had been planning for a couple of months to take a trip to North Carolina to visit my dad’s parents.  We call them Mimi and Papa.  I hadn’t taken Preston to their house since he was an infant.  I wanted to wait until he was old enough that I didn’t have to be on top of him at every moment making sure he didn’t get into trouble.  He did great!

Preston and I left Chicago around 7AM on Friday morning.  My sister had been visiting a friend in West Virginia so we were meeting her later in the day in KY.  I had Preston’s DVD player hooked up and enough movies to watch back to back to NC and back.  We loaded up with books, coloring books, Barbies, and other toys.  The trip there was pretty easy and we arrived about 12 hours later.  Papa had a list of activities planned for us that were Preston friendly.  Pres helped walk the dogs, took rides on the golf cart, we took him swimming, hiking, and to visit the goats at the Carl Sandberg Home.

throwing rocks into the stream

Papa and Meredith took Preston to a children’s museum while I hung out with my friend Johanita who drove up for the day on Saturday: she was my best friend when I lived in Atlanta, GA which is only about 3 hours from my grandparents house and we hadn’t seen each other in just over two years!!  Meredith took a few pictures of Preston at the children’s museum.

We really had a great time with my grandparents.  They are amazing people and its always nice to get out of town and spend quality time with family members you don’t get to see very often.

We got home around 6pm yesterday.  I was EXHAUSTED!  My diet was least clean on our trip but it was nice to be a little bit relaxed.  And food on the road can be tricky.  I am planning to weigh myself this Sunday as usual and if I’ve maintained or even gained a little I am 100% ok with that.  This is the part of the journey that I need practice with and so allowing times where I am not calorie counting or even eating decently are part of life and part of my journey.  I plan to take time off from the diet every couple of months just for practice and to be realistic.  I know a lot of people talk about not calling it a diet and just maintaining a healthy lifestyle change but I do look at the losing period of time as a diet – it works for me – and thats why I talk about it this way.  So overall I had a great couple of weeks.  I am ready for some normal life time though :)  Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th!

One Month Down!!

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I kind of forgot yesterday to mention that I am officially one month and 14lbs down!  Woohoo!  I feel so good and optimistic about losing this time around :)  I need to do an update on my pictures (yes I know I’ve posted none of them, I’m still feeling a bit shy) but I redid my measurements and was completely shocked at the changes!  So let me share:

  • Waist: -3.0 inches
  • Hip: -3.0 inches
  • Ribs: -1.0 inches
  • Chest: -3.0 inches
  • Upper arm: -0.5 inches
  • Thigh: -1.0 inches

Whoa.  That is so encouraging!!

This past month I think I did a number of things really well.  One thing is my earlier bedtime.  Getting more sleep at night has definitely helped me stay the course – the days I’m not rested have been the rougher ones for sure!  Eating as much fiber as I can has helped me feel full longer and has helped with cravings as well.  Additionally the 96+oz. of water that I’m drinking every day help me get by between meals/snacks without feeling hungry.  I really didn’t think I would exercise as much as I did this month because I thought it would feel like too much, but I’ve really only done what I want to do and just pushed a little to head to the gym if I’m not in the mood.  But it definitely always helps me feel better.

When I started last month I was able to do about 35 minutes on the elliptical comfortably and 40-45 was pushing it.  I am now regularly doing 60 minutes on the elliptical and at a higher resistance and feel really good through the majority of the workout.  I exercised 19 of the past 30 days.  At the beginning of the month I was a tight size 22 pant and am now a barely tight/just right size 20 (that was unexpected).  This month we went from Pres being in school and taking gymnastics class to summertime and ballet class :)  The transition time is always interesting.  I have posted 4 new meals that I have repeatedly enjoyed this month.  My average pounds lost per week is 3.5.  All in all a pretty respectable and exciting first month.

…You are not the Biggest Loser

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This morning I opened up my email and found this waiting for me…

Just a couple of weeks/months ago I signed up at NBC.com to get info on when they were casting for the next season.  Looks like its coming up at the end of this month.  And the Chicago location is barely a stones throw away from my house!  But as soon as I opened this email a wide smirk passed across my face.  I don’t need this information.  I’m doing this on my own.

After watching season after season of this show (the show started around the time I was losing weight – 2005/6) I began to dream about being a contestant.  I am fully aware that the way they do things is a bit controversial but I wanted the results.  I held myself back from auditioning for the past three years because I’m a single mom and couldn’t fathom being away from Preston and/or figuring out the childcare situation.  I always wonder how contestants are able to just take a leave of absence from life and most have a spouse taking care of their children and jobs that allow them to do something like this – or at least I assume.  I however don’t know anyone that would be able or willing to sign up for up to 4 months of 24/7 childcare of Pres and I only get paid when I work and if I stopped working I’d have to rebuild my caseload and so it just hasn’t ever felt totally right for me.

This year I thought: If I don’t lose the weight really soon I continue to run the risk of shortening my life and if I die how would all those logistics get figured out with someone having to raise my son etc.  I decided that this year I would audition so that maybe if I were picked I could get out of the danger zone and live a long life for Preston.  I thought if its in God’s divine plan for me to lose the weight and do it by being on the show I’ll get a spot and somehow I’ll figure out the childcare/no income thing.  I mean I somehow managed to get through graduate school with a toddler!

And now here I am, one month into making some drastic changes for my life and feeling good about where I am ALL ON MY OWN (well sans show at least).  Receiving that email reminded me that the plans we make for ourselves are not often the way the plans play out.  It motivated me to keep on trucking.  The people who wait in line and audition for the show are not where I am.  They are where I felt I was when I signed up to receive the email.  I feel blessed and excited that I can delete that email and not worry about logistics of child care, just logistics of feeding myself the right fuel and getting my workouts in.  It reminds me I’ve come a long way mentally in the weeks/months since I signed up for that email, and that will help me keep on, keeping on.  :)

Have you ever considered auditioning for Biggest Loser?  Have you ever actually auditioned and gone through that process – I’m always curious about the behind the scenes stuff.

Weigh In

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I only lost 0.8lbs this week.  I have to admit I was a little bit disappointed when I weighed in, but at the same time I just knew I wasn’t going to have much of a loss this week.  Paired with my big loss last week, and I just didn’t feel so great about this week.  But after the initial let down I was fine with it.  For one, I knew it wasn’t going to be a big loss and since that was confirmed now I know that weeks like this past one don’t yield such big numbers.  Also, it means that hopefully next week will be a good week.

I’m pretty sure I know where I went wrong last week.  For starters I didn’t eat enough calories!!!  This is becoming a common theme and I think it relates very closely to the way I was limiting calories at the end of my last significant weight loss.  Its definitely not the same, it just relates.  I am good at eating really minimal calories and less good at being flexible and allowing wiggle room.  But counting calories has really helped me see this so I think this has been a fabulous learning experience.  Once I notice I am not going to hit 1200 calories I tend to eat enough to get me caught up.  Leading me to the next problem – I eat too few calories all day and then at dinner I eat more because that is when I realize I won’t have enough for the day.

So this week I’m going to plan it all out again.  Down to the calories to make sure I’m getting enough during the day.  The thing is since I’m not eating huge meals anymore, my stomach has gone back to regular size and so the meals I am eating keep me full and I sort of forget about eating until I get hungry and then its too late.  So I have to get ahead of this pattern and just plan out the times in which I’ll eat, and what.  I’m thinking that including more snacks will do the trick.

So my total loss is not at 13.8lbs down and I’m totally ok with it.  I like this journey; it even surprises me that its been a month already.  I definitely feel like my body is changing and my clothes are fitting better every single day :)  And that makes me feel fabulous.  As well as the energy and lack of severe pain in my knees :)  All in all the month has been good.

Since I’m upping the snacks this week I’d love some ideas about good 100-200 calorie snacks.  Hope your weekends were fabulous!!

Let’s talk clothes!!

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This week I have been inching my way closer and closer to being out of my largest size!!  I didn’t actually think it would happen this fast, and maybe I’m jumping the gun a little bit but I think I am for the most part down a size!!!!!!  This is cause for celebration – not eat a piece of cake celebration, but jump up and down and dance kind of celebration.  I have been in denial for the past two years that my shirt size had gone up but I had accepted the pant size.  I think I have been a size 22 for the past 3′ish years.  Yikes!!  It’s weird how 7 years ago (before I lost the weight the first time) I was a size 20 at the same weight – but I did have a baby in between there and that certainly added to some fluff to my midsection :)  I am not sure I can fit into the size 20 jeans that I have (they may be juniors 20 or target 20 – either way they run a bit small) but I am wearing my size 20 black pants to work today and I don’t look like a stuffed sausage!!  Haha.  I even pulled out a sweater that I ordered online over a year ago (maybe 2) and by the time it arrived at my house it was too small – or some of that denial influenced which size I ordered.

Either way I am happy to be strutting my stuff in my size 20 pants and size 2x shirt :)  The smallest size that I got to several years ago was a 12 and I hung on to those “skinny” jeans all these years and I can not wait to fit into them again and then get to thin for them so that they become part of my pile of pants that are too big!  I’ve never been one to sport great fashions but I’ve always secretly wanted to.  When there are only a handful of stores to choose from the selection is SO limited.  It is hard to have a style of your own – you just have overweight person style – we all wear the same stuff from the same 4 stores.   I remember getting small enough to shop at Anne Taylor LOFT, Gap, Banana Republic, and mostly any store I wanted to, it was the most freeing feeling.

After I had lost about 75lbs during the summer of 2005 a friend of mine came over and forced helped me to get rid of all of the clothes that no longer fit me.  I had a good time putting on various pieces that had been some of my favorites but had become way too big.  It was fun to see how much I had changed.  It was scary, but felt pretty good to fill up several garbage bags full of clothes that I told myself would never fit me again.  Once I started gaining again I was mad I had donated all that stuff because it required me to buy all new clothes in sizes I didn’t want to be in.  The theory is that if you get rid of your big clothes it will be motivation to keep you from gaining the weight back – at least for me – that had no effect on me gaining weight.  It just made me mad when I thought about the old stuff that I had gotten rid of so carelessly (or so I believed at the time).

As I put on weight I REFUSED to get rid of any of my smaller clothes.  I had two huge bins, one small bin, and an enormous suitcase filled with clothes size 12 to 20.  As I gained weight I added more clothes to the boxes.  Some of those clothes have been in boxes for 6 years!  About a year and a half ago a friend of mine lost most of her wardrobe in an apartment fire and so I opened those boxes up to see what I could offer her in her time of need.  It was sad for me to look at those clothes that I had bought when I was thinner and to think if I had only maintained my weight I could still be wearing them.  The only clothes I didn’t offer were race tshirts, workout clothes (because the good stuff is expensive and I’m particular about workout clothes), and anything with sentimental value – like my size 12 “skinny jeans”.  She helped me pare down my collection from 3 boxes and a suitcase to just two large boxes.  They are still sitting in the corner of my room.  Staring at me.  Sometimes I want to open them up just to look at the stuff inside – to remember feeling thin and carefree.  To remind myself that I fit in those things.  That they aren’t beyond my reach.  And today is the first day I got to peek into my old stash not for nostalgia sake, but to pull out a pair of pants and a sweater that actually fit me to wear to work.  Now that feels pretty damn good!

Saturday Check In.

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Tomorrow is my fourth weigh in!  Three weeks down :)  The day before a weigh in I am always hyper aware of what my activity level is and what I’m eating.  Today I have a lot of cleaning and organizing planned, meal planning, and some sort of work out – probably a bike ride if the weather allows, otherwise I’ll head over to Xsport and do the elliptical.  I have definitely been feeling thinner this week.  I feel like my body is changing a lot and it probably is changing but so much of that is mental too.  I think this week I’ve had a really good mental shift.

I am not as afraid to think about the future and continuing this diet and losing weight.  The first two weeks were tough because of switching things up so drastically for my body that I was hungry at weird times and times when I knew I couldn’t eat like bedtime.  I was just off a little bit.  This week though I’ve been feeling really positive about this change.  I am loving all the support I’m finding in family, friends, and the blog-world.  Its been SO helpful and encouraging!!!

I am hoping for a more than 3 pound loss this week.  We’ll see.  If I don’t get it I will manage it but it’d be nice.  Either way I know my body is starting to change.  I don’t see all the puffiness in my face anymore.  And it feels like my waist is shrinking.  I’ll do measurements in another week (I’m planning to do them once a month).  That should be exciting!  Hope you all have fun plans for today and are doing something fun to enjoy the long weekend.  I am home alone – Preston is with his dad and my parents are out of town so its nice to just do my own thing for a few days :)

Facing My Fears

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“Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true: that by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor.” – Meredith Grey (or her writers)

 Just watch the first 2 minutes and 30 seconds of the clip if you’ve never seen this episode.  The sound is really quiet but its the best I could find.

I’m not sure what made me think of this episode of Grey’s Anatomy earlier today yesterday but it happened and it inspired me to write about it.  If you aren’t a Grey’s fan or haven’t seen this episode this woman comes in with a massive tumor on her abdomen.  She hasn’t left her house in a year because of it.  At one point in the episode George O’Malley asks her why she let it grow so big and the woman explains that she’s always feared the hospital so she put off going to the doctor.  She only decided to seek medical attention when it became unavoidable.

The whole episode is basically about why we put things off and that it is because of fear that we don’t do things.  When I think about weight loss, dieting, trying to change myself, etc I can completely relate to this idea.  Before I lost 100lbs the first time I was afraid of the unknown, and feared all the work I would have to put into losing the weight.  I was also afraid of failing.  But that first time was mostly me forcing myself to stop being lazy.  This time around has been a different ball of wax.  In fact the past 7 years I think I’ve been like this woman, growing a “tumor” (the weight) and being so afraid of dealing with it that I simply avoided it until I couldn’t anymore.

Someone might say a tumor grows out of human control, and I was the one in control of the weight growing.  The thing is throughout the past 7 years a lot of it felt out of control for me.  I recall times of trying to diet and then on Friday after work feeling lonely or let down or some other negative emotion and I would go find food on auto pilot – literally the decision and execution of finding junk food would happen so quickly I only felt the guilt of breaking my diet after the food was ordered or was sitting in my car on the way home.  Often times I would get a bag of chips, or cookies, or some other treat and plan to eat some of it in moderation and save the rest of it, but when I would try to put it away it would sit there calling my name, taunting me until I picked the bag back up and consumed the rest of whatever it was until I felt sick.  There are a variety of foods that I have sworn to God I would never touch again if he would just make the sick, I totally overate, feeling go away.  In those times I was just too afraid to face the bad feelings so I soothed myself with food.

Other times in the past 7 years I have been stuck in this cycle because of the stream of thoughts I have running about myself as a result of trying to make losing weight about someone else.  The woman in the Grey’s episode had witnessed several family members enter the hospital and died while there, so she believed that if she went to the hospital the same would be true for her.  And unfortunately it was true – she waited too long and died on the operating table.  After dating Chris I believed that even being thinner didn’t make me worth loving.  I believed that he proved that to me by not loving me and letting me go when I was trying so hard to be exactly what he wanted.  He showed me that I had to be 135lbs and maintain that to be lovable or else I wasn’t.  I struggled to believe that at 250lbs if I was laughing and having a good time with people that I was as worthy and lovable as my friends who were at least 100lbs less than me.  I believed these things because I had experienced them.  At one of my lower weights I recall Chris asking me how I ever thought I was pretty when I was at my heaviest, because I used to say I felt pretty when going out with friends or something.  I was at a loss for how to answer it because I did feel pretty.  Probably because I was only focused on my face and I like my face.  And maybe I felt pretty relative to my size.  But, regardless of how I felt pretty at the time, the fact that he asked me that sent the message that I clearly was not pretty then and I shouldn’t have thought that way about myself.  So when I put the weight back on it was tremendously  hard to have “pretty days”.  I also started to interact with the world as if these things I believed about myself were true.   Like the way the doctors react to the woman with the tumor; I believed all thin people talked about me and judged me like that every second of every day.  I was unlovable if I was fat.  I was not funny and enjoyable being overweight.  That “pretty days” were only possible for thin people.  And the world started to react to me that way.  Not that people were more mean or insulting, but the world just didn’t care for me the way it felt in 2005 when I was thinner.  Likely this was all a result of perception on my part.  The story I told myself about my self worth felt true because I looked for validation of it in everything.

I would have moments of clarity where I could convince myself those things weren’t true, that I was worth fighting for, so I would fight.  I would start a diet and within a week or two something would happen that lined up with my bad perception of myself and I would quit. I became less willing to try over time.  I became resentful and frustrated and depressed.  I still struggle with this.  My story about my self worth that was influenced by Chris and adapted and developed by me has a way of creeping up on me.  Sometimes I notice something I don’t like about myself in the mirror and I obsess about it for some time.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel pretty and the voice inside of me tries to remind me that fat girls don’t get “pretty days”.  I have to tell myself to shut up – quiet down and go away! That’s not true!!  When I say something and everyone in the room doesn’t drop everything and come listen to every word coming out of my mouth it is not because I am overweight it is because they’re busy, or preoccupied, or something else – but its not about me.

I’m still at a point where my weight loss isn’t noticeable to anyone but myself and I fear something coming along and knocking me off this ride and failing.  And I initially feel comfort in thinking that people then wouldn’t know I failed, that I hadn’t done what I set out to do and it would be fine.  I could just stay overweight and no one would know I want something different for myself.  But then I remember that I’m writing this blog.  That I’ve told everyone I know that I’m making this effort, that quitting now would mean that I have to own it and tell people.  And that is not something I want to do.  And ultimately giving up is not something I want to do either.

The Grey’s Anatomy episode ends with Meredith saying, “We have to make our own mistakes.  We have to learn our own lessons.  We have to sweep todays possibility under tomorrows rug until we can’t anymore.  Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.  That knowing is better than wondering.  That waking is better than sleeping.  And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.”

The pain of being so overweight has far exceeded the pain of facing my weight and self worth issues.  It has been time to face all of this for a long time.  And I am left with a giant tumor – the pain, the regret, the missed opportunities and experiences.  But I won’t live in fear anymore.  I will continue to try.  Every day.  I don’t want to wonder anymore about who Megan is as a healthier and happier person.  I don’t want to long for her anymore.  I want to work my ass off to become her and maintain her.

Lazy Town

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I think I’m getting a hang of the food changes I have made over the past two and a half weeks.  The hunger at night and other times has calmed down and the head hunger (when I think I’m hungry, but its not a message being sent from my stomach) has also dissipated.  I am still working to perfect the right proportions of protein, fiber, veggies, and fruits etc. but the important thing is I’m making my calorie intake goal every day for the most part and I’m not feeling deprived!  One of the keys to my success this far must be having several meal ideas that I can throw together in a matter of minutes so that I don’t feel like its a whole production just to eat.  Maybe the nutrient content could be improved but I’ve got time to work on that :)

So the next piece of the puzzle is exercise.  I recall really enjoying exercise after I had lost about 50lbs or so 7 years ago and I long to get back to that place.  Then I was a college student with lots of time to go for a run or to the gym etc.  Now I’m a single mom with a 4 year old who needs supervision at all times and I work in the evenings – the evenings I don’t work I have to stay home because he is sleeping so I can’t just go for a run all carefree and without responsibilities.  So getting the exercise in is a different beast than it was 7 years ago.  I have actually maintained some level of fitness over the years, I’m able to go an hour on the elliptical when I push myself and 7 years ago when I began losing weight 20 minutes almost killed me.  I do take Preston with me to the gym a couple of days a week and that’s alright but the monotony of showing up at the every day is depressing to me – I really started to enjoy running because there’s so much to see and you’re outside but that is rarely an option for me lately.  So I guess its just time to get creative.  I have a library of workout DVD’s in my possession that would likely yield some good results.

I have actually only opened the top 3 DVD’s in that pile, and I’ve owned them all for some years now… I also have a copy of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred – I think its in my sisters possession right now – I’ve heard good things about the 30 Day Shred.  The problem is when to do them?  And is it really enjoyable to sweat it out in front of your TV every day??  I just think its kind of boring.  Anybody have advice on how to make DVD exercise fun?  I would have to do these before Preston wakes up (ugh!) or after he goes to bed because I can just imagine him climbing all over me while I’m trying to hold plank pose and it being a bit frustrating (fun for him though!).

I also own a set of resistance bands (still in the package) that I used to know how to use.  In fact, my senior year of college I took a class called Body Tune Up where we used only our own body weight and resistance bands to exercise, I wish I kept my workout plans and notes from that class!  I suppose I could search around online for some resistance band ideas, or maybe find a DVD that focuses on using them.

I have a set of 10lb hand weights and 5lb hand weights.  I have thought adding to my collection some 2 or 3lb weights might be beneficial – but in all honesty I don’t exactly know what to do with them (like how many reps, sets, how to work different muscle groups on different days etc).  I also have my bike and my dad has one of those contraptions that holds your rear tire so you remain stationary – that’s definitely something I could do with Preston home I suppose.  The thing with all of these ideas are that they kind of bore me.  The only time I found myself gaining muscle and enjoying it was when I was seeing a trainer because then it became slightly social and intimidating enough for me to get it together – but I am not in a position to afford a trainer these days.  I also still have issues with my knees so I can’t do squats right now and I know a lot of workout DVDs love to kill you with squats.

As I’m writing all of this its starting to feel like I’m just making excuses to not do what I should be doing.  Clearly I have enough options to get my sweat on without leaving the house and faltering on my responsibility to supervise Preston.  Maybe I just need to suck it up.  I just need a plan! (I LOVE a good plan!!)  I’m thinking of maybe challenging myself to workout everyday for a month or something and make my “rest” day a day that I go for a more leisurely bike ride or a long walk with Preston or something.  Any ideas or suggestions to this whole – getting exercise in – dilemma would be greatly appreciated.  Or cheerleading for me to just get off my butt and make a plan for myself I’d be ok with that too ;)

What’s your favorite way to exercise at home?  How do you stay motivated and enjoy your workouts when you’re at home?  What kind of challenges have you tried with yourself to get you moving??

Two weeks & 8lbs down!

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Important news first:  Lost 2.4lbs this week!  I’ll be honest I was hoping for 3, but I will totally take 2.4!  :)  That brings my two week total to 8.2lbs down, and I really feel good.  My clothes feel a little bit looser and I can see that I’m less puffy in my face.  I am planning to take pictures of myself for every 10lbs or so that I lose, so I’m looking forward (relatively speaking) to taking new pictures to see if there is any difference that you can see from a photograph.

This weekend was exactly what I needed!  Preston and I packed up the car and drove down to central Illinois to visit my best friend Katie and her amazing little girls Lorelei (3) and Sophie (8 months).  They recently moved to a new house and this was our first visit there.  Katie and I have known each other since we were 12 years old – talk about the most awkward stage of your life ever!  We have managed to maintain our friendship over hundreds of miles for the past 11 years or so since we finished high school.  She is truly my best friend and I always feel refreshed after a visit with her.  Preston and Lorelei have known each other since infancy and get along really well – they had a blast this weekend!

Katie got out the little pool for the kids.  We took them to the park in the morning.  I made dinner for Katie and myself after the kids were in bed and we had ourselves some wine and girl talk in the hot tub.  We had a great time.  I think that making sure I have fun things like trips down south planned are really beneficial to my overall wellbeing.  And weekends that Preston is with me seem to be the hardest part of the week for me, so it was a great way to spend our weekend.

We came home on Saturday night so that we could be home on Sunday for a big family meal with my sister’s in-laws.  Sundays are typically a day that my dad cooks dinner.  He is an AMAZING cook.  He smokes meat and other various things and has really taken a liking to cooking for the family on the weekends.  The hard part is that its not generally the most healthy stuff – and I certainly have no idea on calorie counts.  Last weekend I requested he make something healthy because it was Mother’s Day and I got to have an input.  This weekend however was a different story.  He made steak with a garlic/butter sauce, smoked potatoes covered in cheese and bacon and grilled asparagus covered in an unknown amount of oil.  My mom also bought a cake to celebrate my sister and brother-in-laws anniversary.  I started the day as usual with some Fiber One for breakfast and a piece of fruit.  But I quickly realized that it would be a really challenging day to stay on my diet.  Additionally Preston had not slept well Saturday night, which meant I didn’t sleep so well, and when I’m even a little bit tired I struggle to feel like I want to make good food choices.

I ultimately decided to just participate in the meal and get back on track this morning.  Since we had company I didn’t want to draw attention to myself requiring a different menu and the food looked really good.  I thought through everything and thought that if this is to be a realistic, life long change then I don’t want to always feel like I have to abstain from the feast.  I certainly can’t join in every weekend but this was one I wanted to enjoy.  I do wish we ate more food that fell on the healthier side of things but I can’t change what everyone else eats so there are times I just have to say no.

After dinner yesterday I felt a little disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to do my own thing.  I went online and looked at a variety of inspiring things to help keep me motivated – in the past I may let a choice like enjoying Sunday night dinner turn into a complete deviation from the diet for several weeks.  I was catching up on some of my blogs and was motivated by reading the story of Katie’s (different Katie than my best friend) success of completing her first marathon yesterday!!  It was a long and hot journey for her and she even contemplated only running half of it but she persevered and completed the whole thing.  Reading her story helped me to remember that you can’t get down on yourself for deviating for a moment or two from your plan.  Its all about the big picture and pushing yourself to keep going even when you want to cut the journey short.  Thank you Katie (she’s at www.runsforcookies.com – check her blog out!) for inspiring me to stick with it and keep going.

This morning I got up and took Preston to the gym and burned 750 calories on the elliptical!!  My knee hasn’t been bothering me much and I felt great through the whole workout.  We did our weekly grocery shopping and I wasn’t tempted to buy anything that’s off limits so that was also a success!  Now I’m watching Alice in Wonderland with Pres and can smell my dinner cooking in the crock pot :)  (If it turns out as good as it smells I’ll be sharing the recipe tomorrow!)  Hope you all had a great weekend!