Tag Archives: mom

to being strong…

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I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!?  I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden.  I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place.  I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment.  The before and after pictures.  The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it.  How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful.  I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful.  But what about those of us still in the trenches??  I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006.  That’s 6 and a half years!  Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days.  Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker.  I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy.  But here it goes:

I feel alone.  And dark.  And tired.  And sad.  And stuck.  And alone.  And alone.  And alone.

My diet has been shit this week.  Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through.  My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me.  My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on.  Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill.  I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks.  When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness.  I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone.  Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting.  I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend.  I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different).  I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband.  I want to be chosen by someone.  I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you.  You are the one that I choose above any others.  You are worth choosing.”  I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night.  I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times.  I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it.  I want someone to sit with at mass.  I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate.  I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready.  At least I think I am.  I just don’t want to do life alone anymore.  It sucks.  It does, it really just sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone.  So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members.  I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there.  And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad.  I have awesome friends and an amazing family.  I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without.  I am aware I have it better than some, many even.  Am I selfish for wanting more?  For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now.  I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected.  All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight.  I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy?  Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you.  I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week?  Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting.  All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there.  :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job.  I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston.  I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston.  I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me.  I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality.  This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like.  I never would have laid out this path as the one to take.  Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are.  I know this.  I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!!  I am just really struggling with it for myself.  I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it.  With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this.  I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this.  Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment.  I’m just really struggling with that.  I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life.  I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top?  When do I summit this beast of a mountain?  How much further and harder can I push?  Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day.  My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time.  Here’s to being strong…

Two weeks that felt like two months!!

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So its been forever since I’ve constructed an actual post.  At first I kept forgetting because I was so busy and then I just decided I needed to focus on the business and come back to it after my trip.  So here I am.  I’m back!!!  Lots to update on :)

A week and a half ago was Preston’s 4th birthday party.  I spent a good portion of that week cleaning the house, baking layers of Preston’s rainbow cake and helping my aunt get ready for her move.  That week was bananas!!  The party went really well.  I even squeezed in a 7.5 mile bike ride before the party :)  I weighed myself the morning of the party and had lost 0.6lbs that week so my total now is 20.8lbs.  I can’t even remember if I posted that already.  I was happy that it was a loss and coming off of two larger weeks I was totally ok with it.

Before the party I had made a decision that from the day of the party until today I would let myself off the hook with the diet.  I knew I would be really busy so working out would be challenging to fit in- I got one in last week.  I also wanted to be able to relax with Preston’s party, going out for my friend Heidi’s birthday, then Preston’s actual birthday, my birthday, and a road trip to North Carolina to visit my grandparents all in a week and a half (although it feels like a month!).  I knew that this past week would be tough to have as much control and part of me wanted a little break from being strict.  Today I got back on track – went to the gym and started to sweat just walking out to my car because it is sooo crazy hot!  I also ate food that is diet approved.  I also tried really hard to drink a considerable amount of water because I kind of fell of the wagon with that as well.

Now for details: Preston’s party was a blast.  I worked really hard on the cake and it turned out awesome.  Everyone had a lot of good things to say (even though it was just box cake) and I was happy the rainbow-ness turned out!!

I also incorporated rainbow in the rest of the table setting.  I got colored goldfish crackers (because what kid doesn’t love goldfish??), I filled bowls with skittles and m&m’s.  I did a veggie tray and cheese & cracker tray and the part I was most proud of was the rainbow fruit kabobs!

I bought the fruit the morning of the party so it was all really fresh and it worked out really well.  I also added the Rolo’s at the end to represent the gold at the end of the rainbow :)  The fruit was a big hit!  Preston was really well behaved and had a ton of fun opening all of his presents.  My favorite picture of him is when we were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

I can not believe he’s 4 now!!!  Lots to reflect on!

I remember this day like it was yesterday!!

The week after the party was actual birthday week.  His birthday was on Tuesday and we celebrated by spending his birthday $$ at ToysRUs in the morning and catching Brave in 3D.  We had a great time and just enjoyed the day.  I had intended to do a whole birthday post about him – it will hopefully come later this week.  Preston is so special to me (of course because he’s my son), but having navigated 4 years (or 3 years and 10 months) of being a single mom has been no easy feat and I’m amazed at how far we have come.

My birthday was Thursday and was pretty uneventful.  I am now 29.  One year away from 30.  I have to be honest I am looking forward to my 30s, I think good things will happen in my 30s.  I will not be re-celebrating my 29th birthday for the rest of my life.  I plan to embrace the understanding, perspective, and wisdom that come with being in your 30s (and maybe hopefully a man!)  The only fun thing to happen on my birthday was that I decided to give myself bangs :)  I had the side bangs going for about a year but my hair was just begging to be normal bangs so I made the switch.  I like them for now.

The day after my birthday we left for North Carolina.  My older sister, Meredith and I had been planning for a couple of months to take a trip to North Carolina to visit my dad’s parents.  We call them Mimi and Papa.  I hadn’t taken Preston to their house since he was an infant.  I wanted to wait until he was old enough that I didn’t have to be on top of him at every moment making sure he didn’t get into trouble.  He did great!

Preston and I left Chicago around 7AM on Friday morning.  My sister had been visiting a friend in West Virginia so we were meeting her later in the day in KY.  I had Preston’s DVD player hooked up and enough movies to watch back to back to NC and back.  We loaded up with books, coloring books, Barbies, and other toys.  The trip there was pretty easy and we arrived about 12 hours later.  Papa had a list of activities planned for us that were Preston friendly.  Pres helped walk the dogs, took rides on the golf cart, we took him swimming, hiking, and to visit the goats at the Carl Sandberg Home.

throwing rocks into the stream

Papa and Meredith took Preston to a children’s museum while I hung out with my friend Johanita who drove up for the day on Saturday: she was my best friend when I lived in Atlanta, GA which is only about 3 hours from my grandparents house and we hadn’t seen each other in just over two years!!  Meredith took a few pictures of Preston at the children’s museum.

We really had a great time with my grandparents.  They are amazing people and its always nice to get out of town and spend quality time with family members you don’t get to see very often.

We got home around 6pm yesterday.  I was EXHAUSTED!  My diet was least clean on our trip but it was nice to be a little bit relaxed.  And food on the road can be tricky.  I am planning to weigh myself this Sunday as usual and if I’ve maintained or even gained a little I am 100% ok with that.  This is the part of the journey that I need practice with and so allowing times where I am not calorie counting or even eating decently are part of life and part of my journey.  I plan to take time off from the diet every couple of months just for practice and to be realistic.  I know a lot of people talk about not calling it a diet and just maintaining a healthy lifestyle change but I do look at the losing period of time as a diet – it works for me – and thats why I talk about it this way.  So overall I had a great couple of weeks.  I am ready for some normal life time though :)  Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th!

birthday party prep never ends…

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I haven’t done any official exercise since Friday – I think!  Yikes!  Saturday Preston and I ran errands for his birthday party.  Sunday was Father’s Day and I ran errands instead of working out.  Monday I was doing heavy lifting at my aunts but I don’t count that as official exercise.  Yesterday we were watching my nephew and now its Wednesday!  If you don’t work really hard to get workouts into your schedule they simply don’t happen!!  Its been a nice break, but I know I need to get back on the horse PRONTO!

I have a standing elliptical date with my friend Marissa today at 4pm so I’ll definitely be able to make that.  Tomorrow is tough because Pres and I are headed back to the city for more packing at my Aunt’s and then I work in the evening.  Friday I may have to force myself to go to the gym in the morning before work.  And by “I may have to” I mean I WILL. Saturday I have to cut the grass and that I count as a workout because there is hardly one stretch of flat ground on the whole lawn and its about an hour of work or more so that counts to me.  AND its all I’ll have time for before Preston’s birthday party!!!

I’m thinking I will weigh myself on Saturday morning this week instead of Sunday because I will likely have a piece of cake at the party and then I’ll be celebrating my friend Heidi’s birthday Saturday evening and who knows what food and drinks will look like then.  I am not planning on much of a loss this week because of the lack of exercise and the indulgence on Father’s Day.  Who knows?!?!?

The last few days its be SO HOT!  I’ve been trying to up my water to at least 100oz each day.  Its hard to get it all in but I am definitely finding I want to drink more water when the temperature is so high.  Its also helpful too encourage Preston to drink a lot more water.  Hopefully I’ll have some good news about my weigh in on Saturday, if not I’m hoping next week (my birthday week – and Preston’s) I will hit the gym more and clean up my eating so that I see a decent number by Thursday which is my big day.

Sometimes its a hard conversation.

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Yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with Preston about why he doesn’t live with his Mom AND Dad.  Over the past few months he has begun asking little questions here and there, but yesterday was the first time he really was looking for answers.  We were talking about a friend of mine who recently had a baby and how that baby lives with both her mommy and daddy.  Preston asked something about why he doesn’t have that kind of family (this stuff tugs on my heart strings so bad!).  I told him that families come in all different ways – some kids live with a mom and dad, some with one parent and their grandparents, some are adopted because their birth mom and dad can’t take care of them, some have two mommies and no daddy, etc and I explained he just has a different kind of family than the baby we were talking about.  He seemed ok with that explanation and was quiet for a minute.

“Mommy maybe you should marry Daddy and then I can have that kind of family.”  Ugh!  How do I avoid that?  I tried to tell him that his mom and dad used to live together and decided that they really like being just friends and not married.  He continued with his questioning, “Ok but are you going to get married to someone?” I only pray about it daily!!!!!  “Yes, Preston, hopefully someday I will get married.”  He thought a minute about this and then said “When you get married I can have a brother.  I don’t want a sister anymore, I want a brother to play with.  Ok Mom?  Can I have that?” While this whole conversation was happening my heart was just melting for my little boy who has such a different reality than I did at his age in terms of his family structure and it makes me sad for him – mostly because it’s so foreign to me.  I tried to explain to him that I can’t guarantee a sibling for him someday but I told him that someday he can definitely have a dog, a boy dog :)  Preston was perfectly satisfied by the idea of having a dog “brother”.  He went on to talk about what color dog he wants (purple) and what he might name him.

I’ve always tried to be very honest with Preston.  Whatever the topic is I try to age appropriately answer Preston’s questions about life.  Even the ones that lead down the road to sex ed (don’t worry he’s not asking specific questions yet, but I plan to be very straightforward about that stuff).  In my opinion talking about things honestly now will make things clearer in the future and may hopefully encourage him be more willing to talk to me in the future.  When it comes to explaining why Preston lives with his Mom, Nana, and Pops most of the time and his Dad every other weekend I continue to be very open about the facts and why things are the way they are, keeping in mind he is just a child.  I don’t know if this is the best route, but it feels right for us.  His dad hasn’t really weighed in on how he’d prefer these things were handled so I’m just doing it my way.  My biggest fear is that when Preston grows older he will ask why I chose to have him when his father and me were not married and broke up so shortly after he was born.  In his questions about his family structure now, he dances around this question with only the understanding of a small child so I have told him that his mom and dad wanted him so much and God blessed us with him even though we wanted to just be friends.  I know its a bit fluffy and its not totally straightforward but it is true that I wanted to be a mom more than anything ever since I was a young girl, I always wanted a little boy, and Preston has influenced my life in a direction I would not have taken had I not gotten pregnant so I do believe God divinely intervened in Preston’s conception (as I believe he does in all conception – but that’s not what I’m talking about now).  Anyway – such a challenging topic to broach with him but I’m hopeful that he will be able to sort out the logistics of his family structure and the fact that he is very much loved and very much cherished by many people.

He really is such a joy!  Thanks for listening to my rant, as a reward I will end this post with a video of Pres singing one of his favorite Disney songs :)

Hump Day

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Sorry about my lack of participation yesterday – I really hit a mood and wasn’t sure how to pull myself together enough to not sound all complainy.  Anyway – today is a better day!  Preston had his first ballet class today (highlight of the day)!!

I asked him a few weeks ago if he could do any sport he wanted this summer, I listed several, what would he choose.  And ballet was his number one!  So I signed him up and today in a class with about 12 little girls he got his ballet on.  It was really cute and he came out of the classroom doing some sort of ballet type move and told me he loved it and wants to do it again!  After ballet we headed over to return our WAY overdue books/movies at the library.  During the school year it was so much easier to remember when books were due and plan our trips to the library – gotta adjust to a new schedule.  So we finally got them back and I let him play for an hour.  He loves playing at the library and its the only place he actually regulates the volume of his voice so I’m all for it :)

This afternoon I have an elliptical date with a friend at the gym and then I have work this evening.  Not a bad Wednesday at all.  Although as I sit here typing I’m realizing that I didn’t stick the dinner I had planned on in the crock pot earlier today and now its a bit too late so I’ll have to get creative and come up with something else… story of my life!  Haha.

I’ve noticed that my energy in general has been down this week and part of last week.  I think one thing is that I haven’t been eating as many vegetables (have I mentioned this before??).  Several months ago I dabbled with eating vegan and I read a lot about it and such and somewhere along the way I read about how we derive so much energy from plants because they derive their energy from the sun – so its kind of like the closest link to deriving energy from the sun.  Ever since I read that I have definitely seen a correlation between my plant intake and my energy level!!  And I like to think about the sun fueling me from the inside out :)  So this week I’m trying desperately to do more veggies!!  Maybe this is just a blah week for me – everyone is entitled to having one of those every now and then.  The good fabulous news is even though I don’t feel so great about myself, my life etc I haven’t really had any urges to indulge in off limits food or even binge on acceptable food.

I am sitting here just realizing that the reason I may be feeling so blah is that I’m going on two weeks of full time mommy duty.  My only “off” time is when he’s asleep.  There’s not even any tag team with anyone, just me and I really do look forward to the every other weekend that I get to myself when Pres goes to visit his dad.  I think whats getting under my skin the most is that I’m not so sure he is going this weekend and all I want is a break!  I just gave Pres a lecture about wanting Five MInutes Peace from him – do you know that book?  It was a fun one from when I was a kid that I bought for Preston when he was little and we enjoy reading it.  Its nice because it also helps him get that mommies sometimes need a few minutes to themselves.  Even though I know its ok for me to want some time to myself it makes me feel like a bad mom when I plop him in front of the TV so I can catch up on my blogs or read a book for half an hour.  I know I’m not – I know a lot of moms can relate to this feeling – but its hard not to feel it in the moment (or at least when admitting it to  other people).  My only justification that my illogical emotional side will accept is that he hasn’t taken an afternoon (or any) nap since he was a little over 2 and a half.  Maybe closer to 3.  But man I used to live for those naps when I could either be super productive or super lazy.  It was nice.  So I guess this time is our down time and I need to be ok with it.

Alright enough rambling from me.  Hope you’re all having a good week and enjoying or managing the transition from spring/school year to summer/schools out!

angry.

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I’m feeling angry toady.  Really REALLY angry.  My anger is directed at a particular person who made a horrible decision that affects my son.  I am so angry about it I could swear for ten minutes straight and I’m not sure I could convey how much anger I feel inside of me.  Anger is one of the emotions that I don’t have a problem with feeling and expressing.  I am what some in my line of work might deem a ‘quick to anger’ kind of person.  Instead of letting things simmer and bother me for a long time without saying anything until I explode (a slow to anger type) I am ready and willing to express my anger when I feel it.  Neither way is right or wrong, and both ways of dealing with upsetting things can get you into trouble.  But my way is definitely quick to anger.  I get angry sometimes about little things and express it and move on without it feeling like a lasting thing.  I have scorched a few people in my life because of this trait of mine.  But I am also not typically simmering with anger at anyone because I get it out as I express it.  This particular situation last night sent me through the roof.  So angry that I am struggling to find words to describe it.  And as I have grown older and wiser ;) I have made more of an effort not to scorch those around me when I get angry and instead let the feeling subside a bit before expressing it.  It seems to be most beneficial for myself and those around me.

When I work with my clients on anger I typically talk about how anger is a secondary emotion.  That it is the emotion that rises to the top but there are usually other feelings going on beneath the surface that fuel the anger.  Anger is just more socially acceptable than fear or sadness for example.  The example I use is: when someone cuts you off you get angry with the other driver, sometimes mutter some choice words at them, and other times whip out the bird and send it their direction.  Either way you express anger, but what sits below that is fear.  Fear that you could have been in an accident, fear for your safety, and when that was threatened your expression of it turned to anger.  So in this time of waiting out my anger I decided to ask myself what is beneath the anger in this situation.

Frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness are the feelings that come to mind.  Frustration for me is almost always and immediately turned to anger.  When I’m frustrated with something anger happens very quickly.  A very clever way of avoiding feeling frustrated.  Disappointment is something I feel somewhat confident in handling – everyone experiences disappointment and it doesn’t have an isolating feeling associated with it so I’m ok with a little let down every now and then.  Fear is something I don’t like, I typically cope with fear by reaching out – talking to people and expressing my fears helps me to normalize my fears and get a grip on reality.    I cope with disbelief similarly to disappointment.  I don’t live the same as a lot of people in this world, I have different viewpoints and at times other people act in ways that lead me to disbelief but I reason that they are simply wired different than me – I’m big on the ‘different strokes for different folks’ mentality.  Betrayal and sadness lead me to eat.  Plain and simple, I don’t like dealing with these two.  They lead me to feel isolated, lonely, disrespected – and all of those play into my fears & insecurities about my self worth.  Particularly in this situation because it was something involving the care of my son it reminds me about my status as a single mom and that enhances my feelings of loneliness and thoughts of “how did I get into this mess?”.

I was proud of myself that yesterday after discovering that my sons care had been neglected and disregarded to the level that is in the ABSOLUTELY NOT OK category I thought about taking a bike ride.  I was so mad and had no words that all I wanted to do was get on my bike and ride around until I felt clear inside.  So I am happy that my initial reaction for coping was something that is healthy for me.  However, at that moment it was time to get my little man some dinner and put him to bed.  I swallowed my anger down and focused on my responsibility as mom.  After I said goodnight to Preston and shut his door I allowed myself to fully feel/reflect on this information I learned about how he spent his weekend away from me.  The anger was so quick to appear that all these other feelings quietly sat unattended beneath the surface.  I made my dinner and ate alone.  This is when the real stuff started to creep up.  This is when I thought about food in a coping/avoiding kind of way.  I didn’t actually feel like acting on this desire my body was informing me of – I tried to stay focused, recognize it, and allowed it to pass.  I told myself no.  I didn’t allow any space to entertain the idea of what type of food I might want to binge on or anything like that.  It was the people that read this blog and what it represents for me that helped me shut down that possibility very quickly.

But now I’m left to deal with all this ugly anger and all of its little buddies that follow along behind him.  In times like this I think a lot about how much I struggle being a single mom.  I tell myself that if I were married I wouldn’t feel so alone.  I make up that people that are married always have a person they can seek solace and support in.  Rationally I know that isn’t always the case – in fact sometimes it is the person you are married to that brings up the feelings that I have been feeling for the past 18 hours.  So I know that I’m lying to myself – that I’m feeling lonely and frustrated (and wanting a prince charming to rescue me) and the story I make up about married people fits with how I feel.  But continuing to believe that I don’t have what all married people have is not really helpful for me.  I may not have a husband but I have family and friends that listen to and support me.  Might it be different if I had a husband?  Maybe.  But only maybe.  So for now I will sit in and process my frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness.  I will try not to avoid feeling those things and instead let them help me take action.  Let them help guide me in what to do next and how to respond to a situation that has left me feeling so angry.

My Story – Part 3

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7

I packed up my car and drove the 850 miles to Atlanta listening to music from my past and reflected on the previous year.  I had all of my worldly belongings weighing down my back seat and trunk and thought that the sooner I arrived in Atlanta, the sooner the pain would stop and the healing would begin.  The family I moved in with was nice – single mom, two kids a boy and a girl.  I had a room and bathroom of my own and a car to drive the kids around in.  My first night there I cried.  I missed my friends and my family and felt really overwhelmed.  The second night I cried because I realized I would have to create a new life in Atlanta all by myself while working 60+ hours a week in a job that only exposed me to two small people that were mostly interested in swimming and riding bikes.  And I had become far more shy as an adult than I was in my younger years. What did I get myself into??

My first weekend in Atlanta I watched the first season of 24, start to finish.  I didn’t really know what else to do.  On Sunday I went to the nearest gym and bought myself a membership and signed up to meet with a trainer.  Gyms intimidate the hell out of me and I thought doing the “complimentary” hour with a trainer might make me feel more comfortable.  I ended up signing up to meet with a trainer regularly and was nervous and excited all in one.  I had managed to only gain about 10-15lbs since my break up with Chris and I HAD to keep the weight down for the summer because I was my best friends maid of honor in August and had asked them to order my dress a size BELOW my measurements since I was so confident I’d have lost the rest of my weight by then. (NEVER DO THAT!!!!)

Because I was still an emotional wreck I binged on white bread and little baggies of chips, cookies, and other “kid” snacks that I could find at the house.  I bought myself a lot of fast food and then showed up for my appointments with my trainer making excuses about why I wasn’t losing.  I never got the impression the trainers I worked with were really invested in me, but I still assumed everyone judged me as harshly as I judged myself.

Two weeks after I moved to Atlanta I met Johanita.  We became very close friends the night that we met – due to a series of ridiculous happenings and also just because we were such a perfect fit.  Johanita was a single mom to the cutest two-year-old boy, Dylan.  We were both live-in nannies and bonded over our need to be out of our “homes” as much as possible.  Especially on the weekends!  Thankfully she was one of the most adventurous people I have ever met.  We spent our weekends hiking in the North Georgia Mountains, riding bikes along the Silver Comet Trail, camping, going to various parties, and events.  We stayed busy.  We stayed active.  It was awesome.

That winter I met a guy, Justin.  He wasn’t exactly my type, but he liked me.  He didn’t judge my weight at all – in fact he thought I was beautiful – an adjective Chris was never able to use.  I remember apologizing for showing up at his house once with my glasses on instead of contacts because I had felt so scrutinized in my previous relationship that I thought it was expected I look my best.  It was refreshing to be with someone who simply wasn’t concerned about my physical appearance.  Justin liked to eat and it quickly became something we shared together – wings, fries, chips and queso, pizza, sub sandwiches, more wings, beer…  My friends wedding had come and gone so there wasn’t a tiny dress I needed to fit into anymore and the freedom I felt being with Justin made me let go of the part of me that wanted to stay in shape and continue losing weight for myself.  I realized early on that we weren’t exactly the right fit so we broke up but then got back together – I was always pushing him away and then asking to get back together.  Having someone support me was too comforting for me to end, when I lacked any feelings of self worth.  It felt safe so I kept going back even though I knew it wasn’t quite right.  We did this several times and just before we had been dating a year I found out I was pregnant.

At that time I had climbed from around 215lbs in August 2006 to 271lbs in November of 2007.  Sometimes I wonder how shocked my family must have been when I came home to visit during that year.  Putting on that much weight so quickly is so obvious.  No one ever said anything to me about it.

Anyway – so I was pregnant.  It wasn’t planned.  It was horrible to tell my family and friends.  I was both mad at myself for letting that happen (I’m well informed on how to prevent pregnancy and could have avoided it from happening very easily but didn’t) and also a little excited that I was going to become a mom.  I had always wanted to be a mom.  Justin and I held onto our shell of a relationship throughout my pregnancy – we even talked about marriage pretty seriously – but it just was not the right fit.  I couldn’t fathom not having my child’s father in my life before he was born so we stayed together.

I put most of my energy into being excited about becoming a mom.  I kind of felt like I was the only one that was excited about the baby that was on his way.  Eventually my family came around and many of my friends were excited and supportive, but it was a far cry from what I had envisioned my first pregnancy would be like.  I called my best friend Katie in tears on a regular basis.  I was headed down a path that I had never considered for my life.  Once my belly grew (my baby belly on top of my overweight belly) and Preston started moving around I felt connected to him and that kept me focused on him and staying positive.  I’m not sure I’m conveying very well just how hard this time was for me.  IT WAS AWFUL. (lonely, ostracizing, shameful, regretful, angry)  But again this was a situation where my feelings on it were so conflicting because I was overjoyed and excited to become a mom and felt Preston deserved to have a pregnancy at least his mom was excited about.

I put on 32lbs while I was pregnant which is pretty standard – but when you start a pregnancy at 271 adding even more weight to that is really taxing on your body.  I had a planned c-section which went very smoothly and was confident that nursing would help me shed the baby weight and maybe even a little more to jumpstart a trend of heading back down on the scale.  Nursing did help!  I lost all of the weight I gained during my pregnancy in less than three months.  By the time Preston arrived my family really got on board and were ecstatic to welcome him to our family.  Things were going well. Mostly…

My relationship with Justin did not transition well to parenthood.  I had lots of experience caring for kids/babies and lots of expectations of him to go with it.  He was dealing with his own demons and we were rarely on the same page.  Before Preston was 10 weeks old Justin and I broke up.  Shortly after Preston hit 3 months old I packed up everything that would fit in my car and drove through the night with Preston back to Illinois and moved in with my parents.  Justin was devastated that we left but I haven’t once regretted my decision.

Preston and I hadn’t been home long before I started talking to Chris again. (BIG MISTAKE!!)  He was only twenty-five miles away and my desire to have those intoxicating feelings with him again was strong.  We spent time together and he apologized for the hurtful things he had said in the past about my weight and the expectations he put on me.  The chemistry was still there.  I was SO self-conscious about my weight because at that point I was somewhere in the 260s – down from where I’d been but way up since I had last seen him.  We discussed my fears and he said he no longer minded the ‘weight thing’ (WHAT?!?!?).  He told me his feelings for me were still there and he wanted to spend time with me to see where things went.  Of course I took that to mean we were getting back together and I instantly dropped my guard down.  Second big mistake.  Several weeks later he was dating someone else and I haven’t spoken to him since.  He broke my heart again.  I allowed it to happen, I put myself in that position, I was already vulnerable enough being a brand new mom and a recently single mom at that.  I should have known better but I didn’t.  I was so angry with him.  I felt so betrayed and ugly.  In order to cope I ate.  I had a baby to take care of all on my own, I was hardly making any money, and I was lonely and sad.  So I ate and ate and ate.  Of course I’d have my bouts of exercise and dieting but nothing lasted long.

When Preston was 6 months old I decided I wanted to go back to school and get my master’s in marriage and family therapy, just like my dad.  So my family helped me study for the GRE, I applied to the only school that was workable for Pres and me to continue living with my parents and somehow by God’s divine plan I was accepted!  When Preston was 12 months old I started taking classes.  The program was two years and it was tough!  It was tough on all of us.  My classmates helped me with Preston (I am forever grateful to all of them for helping me make it possible).  My mom and my sister took shifts with Preston as well when I was out until late at night seeing clients – I have yet to find the words to express my gratitude to them for helping me.  People would say to me, “I can’t believe you’re doing this as a single mom and your son is so young”.  I kind of can’t either – and I know without a doubt that my master’s degree needs to have a few names added to it because without those people it NEVER would have happened.  The problem with grad school is there is a lot of sitting required; in class, in the car to and from (45 miles one way 4/5 days a week), seeing clients, observing other clinicians, studying/writing papers… It was two years of little activity.  It was also so stressful that I used food frequently to cope with the stress.  Again, I’d have my moments of trying to do better but it would never last.  I graduated last May 2011.

I am now almost a year out from graduation.  Preston is going to be four in two months!  He can buckle his own seat belt; use the potty by himself, dress himself and most recently is able to put on his own socks and shoes! – these among many other things.  He is becoming independent in many ways and the “child care” aspects of being a mom are far less overwhelming than they once were.  Its all the other aspects of parenting that are now overwhelming – teaching about honesty, patience (I am a horrible model for this), sensitivity, and using an indoor voice (we struggle with this daily, hourly) among many others.

Parenting alone is very lonely for me.  I want a relationship simply so that I can parent WITH someone.  I want to roll over at 6 in the morning and say, “your turn to get up with him” while I go back to sleep.  Every once in a while my parents will play that role (or my sister if she’s in town) – no they aren’t in my bed when I ask them to do it – but Preston stomps down two flights of stairs to get to my room so sometimes they’ll intercept him, that’s heaven :) .  But most of the time its just me and him.  We live in suburbia with a lot of married families, or divorced single parents that are at least put together enough to own their own homes; they aren’t living in their parents’ basement.  I tell myself these stories because I feel so different than most of the people that live around here.  The lonely feelings I have invade my body on a daily basis.  I struggle some days to leave the house because the loneliness and pity party I have going on for myself are sometimes too heavy to get my ass moving.  Those are the days I feel sorry for Preston that God chose me for him, those are the days I eat my feelings.  This single mom thing is hard.

I’m so happy and feel so blessed I am Preston’s mom – he is so amazing, so creative, loving, loud, funny, adaptable, intelligent, and passionate.  He likes star wars and barbies and loves to wear dresses and my scarves as his long beautiful hair.  He is the perfect child for me.  I struggle with the juxtaposition that this child is my most precious joy and yet the responsibility of raising him tears up my soul.  So, we’re doing all right.  I weigh far too much to think I’ll be around to meet my grandchildren someday and that will simply not do.  I want to see Preston get married some day (or not if he so chooses).  I want to see him graduate from college (he has no choice about this one ;) .  I want to be around a long time for my sake and for his.  So now is the time to make the changes – eat better, move more, get more sleep, find contentment and happiness in my life, get on track financially so I’m not living in this basement in my 30s, return to church a place that fills me so much, and simply find a better way of living.  My hope is that sharing my story and even processing my story for myself will hold me accountable to reach for the things I want and not get swallowed up by the things I don’t.