to being strong…

Posted on August 8, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!? I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden. I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place. I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment. The before and after pictures. The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it. How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful. I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful. But what about those of us still in the trenches?? I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006. That’s 6 and a half years! Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days. Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker. I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy. But here it goes:

I feel alone. And dark. And tired. And sad. And stuck. And alone. And alone. And alone.

My diet has been shit this week. Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through. My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me. My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on. Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill. I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks. When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness. I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone. Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting. I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend. I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different). I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband. I want to be chosen by someone. I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you. You are the one that I choose above any others. You are worth choosing.” I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night. I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times. I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it. I want someone to sit with at mass. I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate. I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready. At least I think I am. I just don’t want to do life alone anymore. It sucks. It does, it really just sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends. I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone. So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members. I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there. And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad. I have awesome friends and an amazing family. I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without. I am aware I have it better than some, many even. Am I selfish for wanting more? For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now. I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected. All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight. I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy? Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you. I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week? Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting. All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there. :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job. I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston. I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston. I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me. I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality. This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like. I never would have laid out this path as the one to take. Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are. I know this. I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!! I am just really struggling with it for myself. I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it. With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this. I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this. Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment. I’m just really struggling with that. I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life. I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top? When do I summit this beast of a mountain? How much further and harder can I push? Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day. My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time. Here’s to being strong…

Two weeks that felt like two months!!

Posted on July 4, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

So its been forever since I’ve constructed an actual post. At first I kept forgetting because I was so busy and then I just decided I needed to focus on the business and come back to it after my trip. So here I am. I’m back!!! Lots to update on

A week and a half ago was Preston’s 4th birthday party. I spent a good portion of that week cleaning the house, baking layers of Preston’s rainbow cake and helping my aunt get ready for her move. That week was bananas!! The party went really well. I even squeezed in a 7.5 mile bike ride before the party I weighed myself the morning of the party and had lost 0.6lbs that week so my total now is 20.8lbs. I can’t even remember if I posted that already. I was happy that it was a loss and coming off of two larger weeks I was totally ok with it.

Before the party I had made a decision that from the day of the party until today I would let myself off the hook with the diet. I knew I would be really busy so working out would be challenging to fit in- I got one in last week. I also wanted to be able to relax with Preston’s party, going out for my friend Heidi’s birthday, then Preston’s actual birthday, my birthday, and a road trip to North Carolina to visit my grandparents all in a week and a half (although it feels like a month!). I knew that this past week would be tough to have as much control and part of me wanted a little break from being strict. Today I got back on track – went to the gym and started to sweat just walking out to my car because it is sooo crazy hot! I also ate food that is diet approved. I also tried really hard to drink a considerable amount of water because I kind of fell of the wagon with that as well.

Now for details: Preston’s party was a blast. I worked really hard on the cake and it turned out awesome. Everyone had a lot of good things to say (even though it was just box cake) and I was happy the rainbow-ness turned out!!

I also incorporated rainbow in the rest of the table setting. I got colored goldfish crackers (because what kid doesn’t love goldfish??), I filled bowls with skittles and m&m’s. I did a veggie tray and cheese & cracker tray and the part I was most proud of was the rainbow fruit kabobs!

I bought the fruit the morning of the party so it was all really fresh and it worked out really well. I also added the Rolo’s at the end to represent the gold at the end of the rainbow The fruit was a big hit! Preston was really well behaved and had a ton of fun opening all of his presents. My favorite picture of him is when we were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

I can not believe he’s 4 now!!! Lots to reflect on!

I remember this day like it was yesterday!!

The week after the party was actual birthday week. His birthday was on Tuesday and we celebrated by spending his birthday $$ at ToysRUs in the morning and catching Brave in 3D. We had a great time and just enjoyed the day. I had intended to do a whole birthday post about him – it will hopefully come later this week. Preston is so special to me (of course because he’s my son), but having navigated 4 years (or 3 years and 10 months) of being a single mom has been no easy feat and I’m amazed at how far we have come.

My birthday was Thursday and was pretty uneventful. I am now 29. One year away from 30. I have to be honest I am looking forward to my 30s, I think good things will happen in my 30s. I will not be re-celebrating my 29th birthday for the rest of my life. I plan to embrace the understanding, perspective, and wisdom that come with being in your 30s (and maybe hopefully a man!) The only fun thing to happen on my birthday was that I decided to give myself bangs I had the side bangs going for about a year but my hair was just begging to be normal bangs so I made the switch. I like them for now.

The day after my birthday we left for North Carolina. My older sister, Meredith and I had been planning for a couple of months to take a trip to North Carolina to visit my dad’s parents. We call them Mimi and Papa. I hadn’t taken Preston to their house since he was an infant. I wanted to wait until he was old enough that I didn’t have to be on top of him at every moment making sure he didn’t get into trouble. He did great!

Preston and I left Chicago around 7AM on Friday morning. My sister had been visiting a friend in West Virginia so we were meeting her later in the day in KY. I had Preston’s DVD player hooked up and enough movies to watch back to back to NC and back. We loaded up with books, coloring books, Barbies, and other toys. The trip there was pretty easy and we arrived about 12 hours later. Papa had a list of activities planned for us that were Preston friendly. Pres helped walk the dogs, took rides on the golf cart, we took him swimming, hiking, and to visit the goats at the Carl Sandberg Home.

throwing rocks into the stream

Papa and Meredith took Preston to a children’s museum while I hung out with my friend Johanita who drove up for the day on Saturday: she was my best friend when I lived in Atlanta, GA which is only about 3 hours from my grandparents house and we hadn’t seen each other in just over two years!! Meredith took a few pictures of Preston at the children’s museum.

We really had a great time with my grandparents. They are amazing people and its always nice to get out of town and spend quality time with family members you don’t get to see very often.

We got home around 6pm yesterday. I was EXHAUSTED! My diet was least clean on our trip but it was nice to be a little bit relaxed. And food on the road can be tricky. I am planning to weigh myself this Sunday as usual and if I’ve maintained or even gained a little I am 100% ok with that. This is the part of the journey that I need practice with and so allowing times where I am not calorie counting or even eating decently are part of life and part of my journey. I plan to take time off from the diet every couple of months just for practice and to be realistic. I know a lot of people talk about not calling it a diet and just maintaining a healthy lifestyle change but I do look at the losing period of time as a diet – it works for me – and thats why I talk about it this way. So overall I had a great couple of weeks. I am ready for some normal life time though Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th!

…You are not the Biggest Loser

Posted on June 4, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

This morning I opened up my email and found this waiting for me…

Just a couple of weeks/months ago I signed up at NBC.com to get info on when they were casting for the next season. Looks like its coming up at the end of this month. And the Chicago location is barely a stones throw away from my house! But as soon as I opened this email a wide smirk passed across my face. I don’t need this information. I’m doing this on my own.

After watching season after season of this show (the show started around the time I was losing weight – 2005/6) I began to dream about being a contestant. I am fully aware that the way they do things is a bit controversial but I wanted the results. I held myself back from auditioning for the past three years because I’m a single mom and couldn’t fathom being away from Preston and/or figuring out the childcare situation. I always wonder how contestants are able to just take a leave of absence from life and most have a spouse taking care of their children and jobs that allow them to do something like this – or at least I assume. I however don’t know anyone that would be able or willing to sign up for up to 4 months of 24/7 childcare of Pres and I only get paid when I work and if I stopped working I’d have to rebuild my caseload and so it just hasn’t ever felt totally right for me.

This year I thought: If I don’t lose the weight really soon I continue to run the risk of shortening my life and if I die how would all those logistics get figured out with someone having to raise my son etc. I decided that this year I would audition so that maybe if I were picked I could get out of the danger zone and live a long life for Preston. I thought if its in God’s divine plan for me to lose the weight and do it by being on the show I’ll get a spot and somehow I’ll figure out the childcare/no income thing. I mean I somehow managed to get through graduate school with a toddler!

And now here I am, one month into making some drastic changes for my life and feeling good about where I am ALL ON MY OWN (well sans show at least). Receiving that email reminded me that the plans we make for ourselves are not often the way the plans play out. It motivated me to keep on trucking. The people who wait in line and audition for the show are not where I am. They are where I felt I was when I signed up to receive the email. I feel blessed and excited that I can delete that email and not worry about logistics of child care, just logistics of feeding myself the right fuel and getting my workouts in. It reminds me I’ve come a long way mentally in the weeks/months since I signed up for that email, and that will help me keep on, keeping on. :)

Have you ever considered auditioning for Biggest Loser? Have you ever actually auditioned and gone through that process – I’m always curious about the behind the scenes stuff.

angry.

Posted on May 29, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

I’m feeling angry toady. Really REALLY angry. My anger is directed at a particular person who made a horrible decision that affects my son. I am so angry about it I could swear for ten minutes straight and I’m not sure I could convey how much anger I feel inside of me. Anger is one of the emotions that I don’t have a problem with feeling and expressing. I am what some in my line of work might deem a ‘quick to anger’ kind of person. Instead of letting things simmer and bother me for a long time without saying anything until I explode (a slow to anger type) I am ready and willing to express my anger when I feel it. Neither way is right or wrong, and both ways of dealing with upsetting things can get you into trouble. But my way is definitely quick to anger. I get angry sometimes about little things and express it and move on without it feeling like a lasting thing. I have scorched a few people in my life because of this trait of mine. But I am also not typically simmering with anger at anyone because I get it out as I express it. This particular situation last night sent me through the roof. So angry that I am struggling to find words to describe it. And as I have grown older and wiser I have made more of an effort not to scorch those around me when I get angry and instead let the feeling subside a bit before expressing it. It seems to be most beneficial for myself and those around me.

When I work with my clients on anger I typically talk about how anger is a secondary emotion. That it is the emotion that rises to the top but there are usually other feelings going on beneath the surface that fuel the anger. Anger is just more socially acceptable than fear or sadness for example. The example I use is: when someone cuts you off you get angry with the other driver, sometimes mutter some choice words at them, and other times whip out the bird and send it their direction. Either way you express anger, but what sits below that is fear. Fear that you could have been in an accident, fear for your safety, and when that was threatened your expression of it turned to anger. So in this time of waiting out my anger I decided to ask myself what is beneath the anger in this situation.

Frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness are the feelings that come to mind. Frustration for me is almost always and immediately turned to anger. When I’m frustrated with something anger happens very quickly. A very clever way of avoiding feeling frustrated. Disappointment is something I feel somewhat confident in handling – everyone experiences disappointment and it doesn’t have an isolating feeling associated with it so I’m ok with a little let down every now and then. Fear is something I don’t like, I typically cope with fear by reaching out – talking to people and expressing my fears helps me to normalize my fears and get a grip on reality. I cope with disbelief similarly to disappointment. I don’t live the same as a lot of people in this world, I have different viewpoints and at times other people act in ways that lead me to disbelief but I reason that they are simply wired different than me – I’m big on the ‘different strokes for different folks’ mentality. Betrayal and sadness lead me to eat. Plain and simple, I don’t like dealing with these two. They lead me to feel isolated, lonely, disrespected – and all of those play into my fears & insecurities about my self worth. Particularly in this situation because it was something involving the care of my son it reminds me about my status as a single mom and that enhances my feelings of loneliness and thoughts of “how did I get into this mess?”.

I was proud of myself that yesterday after discovering that my sons care had been neglected and disregarded to the level that is in the ABSOLUTELY NOT OK category I thought about taking a bike ride. I was so mad and had no words that all I wanted to do was get on my bike and ride around until I felt clear inside. So I am happy that my initial reaction for coping was something that is healthy for me. However, at that moment it was time to get my little man some dinner and put him to bed. I swallowed my anger down and focused on my responsibility as mom. After I said goodnight to Preston and shut his door I allowed myself to fully feel/reflect on this information I learned about how he spent his weekend away from me. The anger was so quick to appear that all these other feelings quietly sat unattended beneath the surface. I made my dinner and ate alone. This is when the real stuff started to creep up. This is when I thought about food in a coping/avoiding kind of way. I didn’t actually feel like acting on this desire my body was informing me of – I tried to stay focused, recognize it, and allowed it to pass. I told myself no. I didn’t allow any space to entertain the idea of what type of food I might want to binge on or anything like that. It was the people that read this blog and what it represents for me that helped me shut down that possibility very quickly.

But now I’m left to deal with all this ugly anger and all of its little buddies that follow along behind him. In times like this I think a lot about how much I struggle being a single mom. I tell myself that if I were married I wouldn’t feel so alone. I make up that people that are married always have a person they can seek solace and support in. Rationally I know that isn’t always the case – in fact sometimes it is the person you are married to that brings up the feelings that I have been feeling for the past 18 hours. So I know that I’m lying to myself – that I’m feeling lonely and frustrated (and wanting a prince charming to rescue me) and the story I make up about married people fits with how I feel. But continuing to believe that I don’t have what all married people have is not really helpful for me. I may not have a husband but I have family and friends that listen to and support me. Might it be different if I had a husband? Maybe. But only maybe. So for now I will sit in and process my frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness. I will try not to avoid feeling those things and instead let them help me take action. Let them help guide me in what to do next and how to respond to a situation that has left me feeling so angry.

Old School

Posted on May 24, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

Remember when it was popular to fill out those never ending surveys about yourself and post them on MySpace and Facebook? Yea the post I’m working on is taking me longer than I thought it would so I decided to find a survey and do it so I had something to post tonight. An hour + later… here it is

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed – Always. Bathroom door: Open – Always. Bedroom door: Closed – Always.
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No, I’m picky about what I put on my hair.
Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I only use a fitted sheet, no top sheet.
Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Not that I remember, but street cones and other weird things yes in high school.
Do you like to use post-it notes? I’m more of a notepad kind of girl
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? I don’t cut out coupons, I should though.
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Neither!?!?!
Do you have freckles? Yes. Arms, shoulders, used to have them on my face.
Do you always smile for pictures? If I know its being taken, yes.
What is your biggest pet peeve? Waiting on people.
Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Rarely if ever.
Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, I’m sure I have although I’m struggling to bring up a true memory.
What about pooped in the woods? No I don’t think so. Eew.
Do you ever dance, even if there is no music playing? Yes definitely.
Do you chew your pens and pencils? I used to but not so much anymore.
What size is your bed? Queen. I know I sleep alone – or with Preston pretty regularly but I really want a giant King size bed all for myself
Is it ok for guys to wear pink? Absolutely!!!
Do you still watch cartoons? Only with Preston, never on my own.
What’s your least favorite movie? Robot in the Family – from a long time ago, worst movie ever!
What do you drink with dinner? Water. Sometimes Arnold Palmer or Diet Coke.
What do you dip a chicken nugget in? BBQ sauce or Honey Mustard – that is of course if I was eating chicken nuggets anymore
What is your favorite food? Pizza
What movies could you watch over and over again and never get sick of them? A League of Their Own, Hook – I’ve really become more of TV series watcher on Netflix and Grey’s is one I have watched through a couple of times.
Last person you kissed/kissed you? Kevin, an ex.
Were you ever a girl scout? Yes through 8th grade.
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Hahahaha – NO WAY!!!
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Maybe thank you notes at Christmas… not sure.
Can you change the oil on a car? I was taught once but probably not.
Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yes like 4 of them in the 13 years I’ve been driving. Last one was over a year ago.
Ran out of gas? Yes, once. I had to call my friend to come rescue me.
Favorite kind of sandwich? Chicken salad or Peanut Butter and Honey.
Best thing to eat for breakfast? I love breakfast. All of it. Pancakes, waffles, omelets… Lately I’ve been enjoying some low calorie egg sandwiches, mmm…
What is your usual bedtime? 11pm
Are you lazy? Yes, yes I am. The part of myself I am currently doing battle with.
When you were a kid what did you dress up as for Halloween? First let me say I’m not really a fan of Halloween. Never really was. I was a princess once, Peter Pan, a farmer, and the March Hare.
How many languages can you speak? Just english. My undergrad major was in American Sign Language Interpreting, its not a spoken language and I am no longer fluent because I haven’t used it in years
Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one. Shape. It was like $2.50 for a year.
Which are better Legos or Lincoln Logs? Legos.
Are you stubborn? I can be, but I’m other things before stubborn.
Ever watch soap operas? No
Afraid of heights? YES HORRIFIED!!!
Sing in the car? Always! Now that Preston is old enough we sing duets – mostly Disney princess duets.
Dance in the shower? No, I’m not coordinated enough, I’d probably fall and break something if I tried.
Dance in the car? I try, its nothing noteworthy.
Every used a gun? Yes, my dad took me skeet shooting once.
Last time you got your portrait taken by a photographer? Senior pictures – 12 years ago…
Do you think musicals are cheesy? Only in the best way! Love me some musicals. I’ve been meaning to introduce Preston to Newsies soon!
Is Christmas stressful? No, not really. Its fun and I enjoy spending time with my family.
Ever eat a pierogi? Yes. Preston’s dad is half polish so I was introduced sometime while we were dating.
Favorite type of fruit pie? One that doesn’t have fruit in it. Strawberry Shortcake is the only dessert I allow fruit to come into contact with my dessert.
Take a vitamin daily? No, I should, but I don’t.
Wear slippers? Not since I was thinner – I was always cold then. Maybe next winter
Wear a bath robe? No but I’d love to have one.
What do you wear to bed? A tank top and pj pants usually. Nothing fancy or exciting unfortunately.
Wal-Mart, Target, or Kmart? TARGET.
Nike or Adidas? Nike.
Cheetos or Fritos? Cheetos!
Peanuts or Sunflower Seeds? Peanuts
Ever take dance lessons? Ballet when I was 5 and Jazz when I was 6. I got kicked out of ballet class for talking several times and the Jazz recital required me to jump out of a Chinese dragon head and I was too afraid so I quit.
Ever won a spelling bee? No, but that would be awesome! I kind of have a thing for spelling bees – like I own documentaries on the Scripps National Spelling Bee, that kind of thing
Have you ever cried from happiness? YES. When Preston was born.
Regularly burn incense? no
Ever been in love? Yes. Had my heart broken the first time. Broke his heart the second time. And kind of just drifted apart the 3rd time. Here’s hoping number 4 is a keeper!!
What was the last concert you saw? Ingrid Michaelson. :)
Hot tea or Cold tea? Both.
Tea or Coffee? Tea if I had to choose, never been into coffee. But I’d probably pick water over both of those choices.
Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yes
Are you patient? No. This is one of my least favorite qualities…
Ever won a contest? I won 100, 100 Grand bars in 7th grade for correctly guessing how many matches were in a jar when we were celebrating the death of Joe Camel…. nothing since then. Lame.
Ever have plastic surgery? Not yet
Which are better, black or green olives? Depends on my mood. I only eat olives plain, never with or on top of something else.
Can you knit or crochet? no
Do you want to get married? Yes, probably more than anything else in this world.
Do you have kids? The one and only Preston Richard, the most perfect kid for me that God could have ever thought of
What is your favorite color? Green
Do you wear shoes in the house? As a result of living in Asia, I’m a no shoes in the house kind of person. Although I do wear flip flops when my feet hurt.
Who would you call first if you won the lottery? My best friend Katie
What’s the first thing you do when you go online? Facebook. Its my homepage, haha.
Do you like sushi? No. I wish I did because it would make me cooler. But my first sushi experienced consisted of sushi from the grocery store and MGD’s also after being exposed to stomach flu – needless to say the association has ruined sushi for me.
What are you doing tomorrow? Working a couple of hours. Exercising. Hanging with some friends from high school.

Wow. That took a lot longer than I thought it would. If you’ve read all the way to the bottom props to you! What are you doing tomorrow?

Two weeks & 8lbs down!

Posted on May 21, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

Important news first: Lost 2.4lbs this week! I’ll be honest I was hoping for 3, but I will totally take 2.4! :) That brings my two week total to 8.2lbs down, and I really feel good. My clothes feel a little bit looser and I can see that I’m less puffy in my face. I am planning to take pictures of myself for every 10lbs or so that I lose, so I’m looking forward (relatively speaking) to taking new pictures to see if there is any difference that you can see from a photograph.

This weekend was exactly what I needed! Preston and I packed up the car and drove down to central Illinois to visit my best friend Katie and her amazing little girls Lorelei (3) and Sophie (8 months). They recently moved to a new house and this was our first visit there. Katie and I have known each other since we were 12 years old – talk about the most awkward stage of your life ever! We have managed to maintain our friendship over hundreds of miles for the past 11 years or so since we finished high school. She is truly my best friend and I always feel refreshed after a visit with her. Preston and Lorelei have known each other since infancy and get along really well – they had a blast this weekend!

Katie got out the little pool for the kids. We took them to the park in the morning. I made dinner for Katie and myself after the kids were in bed and we had ourselves some wine and girl talk in the hot tub. We had a great time. I think that making sure I have fun things like trips down south planned are really beneficial to my overall wellbeing. And weekends that Preston is with me seem to be the hardest part of the week for me, so it was a great way to spend our weekend.

We came home on Saturday night so that we could be home on Sunday for a big family meal with my sister’s in-laws. Sundays are typically a day that my dad cooks dinner. He is an AMAZING cook. He smokes meat and other various things and has really taken a liking to cooking for the family on the weekends. The hard part is that its not generally the most healthy stuff – and I certainly have no idea on calorie counts. Last weekend I requested he make something healthy because it was Mother’s Day and I got to have an input. This weekend however was a different story. He made steak with a garlic/butter sauce, smoked potatoes covered in cheese and bacon and grilled asparagus covered in an unknown amount of oil. My mom also bought a cake to celebrate my sister and brother-in-laws anniversary. I started the day as usual with some Fiber One for breakfast and a piece of fruit. But I quickly realized that it would be a really challenging day to stay on my diet. Additionally Preston had not slept well Saturday night, which meant I didn’t sleep so well, and when I’m even a little bit tired I struggle to feel like I want to make good food choices.

I ultimately decided to just participate in the meal and get back on track this morning. Since we had company I didn’t want to draw attention to myself requiring a different menu and the food looked really good. I thought through everything and thought that if this is to be a realistic, life long change then I don’t want to always feel like I have to abstain from the feast. I certainly can’t join in every weekend but this was one I wanted to enjoy. I do wish we ate more food that fell on the healthier side of things but I can’t change what everyone else eats so there are times I just have to say no.

After dinner yesterday I felt a little disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to do my own thing. I went online and looked at a variety of inspiring things to help keep me motivated – in the past I may let a choice like enjoying Sunday night dinner turn into a complete deviation from the diet for several weeks. I was catching up on some of my blogs and was motivated by reading the story of Katie’s (different Katie than my best friend) success of completing her first marathon yesterday!! It was a long and hot journey for her and she even contemplated only running half of it but she persevered and completed the whole thing. Reading her story helped me to remember that you can’t get down on yourself for deviating for a moment or two from your plan. Its all about the big picture and pushing yourself to keep going even when you want to cut the journey short. Thank you Katie (she’s at www.runsforcookies.com – check her blog out!) for inspiring me to stick with it and keep going.

This morning I got up and took Preston to the gym and burned 750 calories on the elliptical!! My knee hasn’t been bothering me much and I felt great through the whole workout. We did our weekly grocery shopping and I wasn’t tempted to buy anything that’s off limits so that was also a success! Now I’m watching Alice in Wonderland with Pres and can smell my dinner cooking in the crock pot (If it turns out as good as it smells I’ll be sharing the recipe tomorrow!) Hope you all had a great weekend!

My Story – Part 1

Posted on April 25, 2012 by jumpstartingme2

I was born in a western suburb of Chicago in 1983. I am the second of four children. I’m sandwiched 20 months on either side by sisters, Meredith (older) and Ashley (younger). I am 8 ½ years older than my brother Andrew. My parents raised us as Protestant Christians, attending church every Sunday. When I was nearly three years old my dad took a job overseas and that meant the whole family moved with him to Tokyo, Japan. We moved from there to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where I attended Kindergarten and 1^st grade. Living overseas was a great experience.

My dad was a banker while overseas and decided to switch careers and go back to school for both his (2^nd) Master’s and PhD in marriage and family therapy. I haven’t quite sorted out all the details, but I believe that this transition impacted me and my relationship with food (and myself in general) in a significant way. For starters I know that the frequent transitions were tough on my mom. She has told me many times that having to start over in each new place we lived caused her to feel very depressed. I don’t completely remember experiencing her that way; I know that I am generally tuned into how others are feeling so I’m sure I had some level of awareness about her emotional wellbeing. That sensitivity to how others feel would make me feel very worried, or sad, and may have lead me to seek solace in food. Maybe having a mom that was clearly overwhelmed by multiple moves with young children, starting over, and then the birth of my brother made room for me to begin a relationship with food and comfort that forever changed me.

I don’t recall being all that aware of my weight and how it had any correlation to the amount of food I ate until I was in high school. I do have memories of comments here and there that were upsetting but then I’d move on and pretend those hurts didn’t stick – although they most certainly did. I was by nature, larger than my older sister by the time I was 4 or 5. She was very petite and small framed (as was/is my younger sister) and I grew taller and more solid than her pretty quickly. So as I added unhealthy weight I think I convinced myself it was just because I was just naturally bigger than my sisters.

It wasn’t until we moved back to the Chicago area (I was 12) that I began to have an awareness of my extra weight. The move back to the Chicago area was challenging for me for a variety of reasons and I put on a significant amount of weight during my junior high years. If I remember correctly I went from around 160lbs at the start of 7^th grade to 199lbs when I graduated from 8^th grade. I remember having to shop in the women’s department with my mom to find clothes that would fit me – thus began my hate for clothes shopping because the only person I could ever go with was my mother. There was a lot of shame involved in having her go look for larger sizes and take me to the “plus size” stores, but she was the only one I could endure the embarrassment with. I played softball and that helped with the activity level some, but I stopped playing after my sophomore year – because of a foot injury that happened twice in six months and because of my fear of the running we had to do at practice. I feel sad for my younger self that I made a decision about discontinuing a sport I loved because of my fear that I couldn’t handle all the exercise that was required of me.

In high school I went from 199lbs to about 260 when I graduated from high school. (And somehow my drivers license has always said 176 ) High school was fun at times but there was also plenty of drama with friends that made me want to turn to food to cope. High school was the beginning of my years of self-loathing. I began to believe that people that didn’t treat me well did so because of my weight and therefore I was unlovable. This is a concept I continue to struggle with.

I went to college in Iowa for two years. I felt like such a lost soul for those two years… too much drinking, not enough studying, and what I perceived to be the biggest betrayal by my best friend that I could ever imagine. My fourth semester there I took one class, worked at Walmart, and drank and ate myself into a very dark place. I decided that Iowa was not the best place for me and with my parents help I transferred schools and arranged so that I could commute from their house to my school in the city. I left Iowa weighing something in the ballpark of 280lbs.

So moving home it was, I lived with my parents and had one good friend in the area that I hung out with while commuting to school. I was smoking about a half a pack of cigarettes a day, my friend and I ate out 5 to 7 days a week, and exercise was a four-letter word in my book. I had stopped going to church in college, but had been really active in my church youth group in high school and yearned to feel connected to a church community again. My friend and I tried out some new churches but struggled to find something that fit. My faith never faltered but my connection to a spiritual community was non-existent and I felt lost without it. The fall of 2004 I signed up to attend a huge Christian conference for college-aged kids in Nashville, TN the following January. It is there that I found the strength to make some changes…

Keep reading… Part 2

Jump Starting Me

My attempt to embrace the journey while finding health and happiness

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