Tag Archives: emotional eating

I’m trying…

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Ive spent the better part of this morning looking through old cookbooks and online for food ideas for next week.  I know I don’t want to settle for the weight I’m at.  I still have LOTS of work to do and I can allow a week of wallowing but then I HAVE to get back to work.  The month of July was really a doozy for me and I think if I can just acknowledge that and move forward then maybe I won’t be lost at sea forever.

On the menu for next week are some of my old favorites from my Dr. Phil diet days…I am going to be making his Refrigerator Applesauce Bran Muffins and his Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry.  The muffins are awesome and you make a whole bunch of batter that can be refrigerated for 3 weeks so you just make a few muffins at a time so that they’re fresh.  They are only 100 calories per muffin and I usually eat two for breakfast for fiber and carbs and then make an egg or something for protein.  The Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry is just your standard asian stir fry dish but one serving is only 176 calories with 21g of protein.  And its delish!  I might share his recipes here when I make them, we’ll see.  If not you can always pick up the cookbook on Amazon.

I also had the chance to talk with my dad last night about ideas for marketing myself so that I can bring in more clients.  This would eliminate the need for a second job and trying to completely overhaul my schedule and care for Preston.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  Having a plan is always calming to me – even if I don’t execute the plan as I wrote it, its more the idea that I have a road map to follow that really helps me feel at peace about my life.  So food plans and work/marketing plans are a good place to start.

The weather in Chicago today is right around 75 degrees.  It is a wonderful break from the heat we’ve had all summer.  The skies are overcast so that isn’t helping my gloomy mood but I know that getting outside, maybe chasing after Preston on his bike, will help lift my spirits and my energy.  I only have one client tonight (down from three scheduled) but I will be home early enough to possibly start working on organizing my living space.  I am going to have to push myself really hard to get to work but I know that having a clean and orderly living space will help me feel calmer on the inside.  Maybe I’ll even go to bed a little bit early tonight so I don’t feel like a zombie tomorrow :)

I am looking forward to a few things in the coming months and focusing on those things are sometimes helpful when I feel so blah…

This weekend Preston and I are heading into the city (a place that always gives me life!) to help my aunt with a few things.  My two amazing friends, Heidi and Liz are going to be hanging with Preston while I work and then we will hopefully all spend some time together. Social and out of the house are my main goals for my weekends and it appears as though I will be accomplishing both :)

Next week Monday Pres and I have his orientation for Pre-K 4 :)  He is attending our parish’s preschool program again this year.  He went two mornings a week last year and really loved it so this year its 3 mornings a week!  I’m hopeful that I can successfully use that time to exercise and meal plan so that I’m not taking any time away from him and both of those things are easier without him.  I also just signed him up for his fall activities – he’s taking a ballet/tap class and a hiphop/jazz class.  He took ballet this summer and dancing seems to be the only thing he wants to do.  I plan on encouraging him to try several different sports and activities so that he can get a real sense of what it is he likes to do but for this fall we are sticking with dance.

I’m also excited about school starting because that means fall and that means cooler temps, raking leaves, jeans, sweaters, apple picking, pumpkin carving and all those fun fall activities.  As far as seasons go, fall is my #1.

Thank you to those of you that left me encouraging comments, even just one comment helps to redirect my focus and remember that I don’t have such a bad deal going on.  It helps me remember that I deserve to fight for what I want even if it feels like I’ve been fighting for a very long time.  I trust that God has a plan for my life and I need to be patient and present for the challenging times as well as the easier/happier times.  I’m trying…

to being strong…

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I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!?  I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden.  I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place.  I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment.  The before and after pictures.  The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it.  How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful.  I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful.  But what about those of us still in the trenches??  I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006.  That’s 6 and a half years!  Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days.  Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker.  I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy.  But here it goes:

I feel alone.  And dark.  And tired.  And sad.  And stuck.  And alone.  And alone.  And alone.

My diet has been shit this week.  Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through.  My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me.  My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on.  Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill.  I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks.  When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness.  I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone.  Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting.  I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend.  I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different).  I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband.  I want to be chosen by someone.  I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you.  You are the one that I choose above any others.  You are worth choosing.”  I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night.  I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times.  I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it.  I want someone to sit with at mass.  I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate.  I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready.  At least I think I am.  I just don’t want to do life alone anymore.  It sucks.  It does, it really just sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone.  So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members.  I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there.  And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad.  I have awesome friends and an amazing family.  I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without.  I am aware I have it better than some, many even.  Am I selfish for wanting more?  For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now.  I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected.  All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight.  I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy?  Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you.  I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week?  Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting.  All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there.  :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job.  I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston.  I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston.  I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me.  I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality.  This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like.  I never would have laid out this path as the one to take.  Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are.  I know this.  I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!!  I am just really struggling with it for myself.  I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it.  With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this.  I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this.  Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment.  I’m just really struggling with that.  I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life.  I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top?  When do I summit this beast of a mountain?  How much further and harder can I push?  Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day.  My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time.  Here’s to being strong…

Avoidance with a capital A!

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Ok I have been majorly avoiding my commitment to blogging regularly.  I’m sorry.  The past few weeks or even month have been challenging to say the least.  From birthday parties to traveling and personal drama I am ready for things to feel a little more consistent and calmer.  I think I am finally getting back to that :)

So where to begin??  This past week was bad on my diet.  I’m up 3lbs – its mostly water retention etc but I was definitely lazy last week (only 1 workout!) and ate poorly.  I wouldn’t say that I was binging but I was making the unhealthier choices instead of the healthier ones.  I’m ashamed to have put some weight back on but I’m back on the horse and back at it.  My hope is that this week I”ll be back to where I was two weeks ago and then I can keep losing.  It feels so good to look in the mirror and feel thinner.  It also feels good to shrink out of my clothes and I have some great winter clothes that if I stay focused will fit quite nicely this fall/winter.

Some of my reasons for not being strict with myself were just that I started to have cravings for bad stuff.  I think that the major reason the cravings began were because I’ve been having some personal drama with Preston’s dad.  I’m not going to get into details here because I don’t think that’s appropriate but it has had been really overwhelmed and stressed out for the past month or so.  I want so badly to not allow my eating/diet to be effected by stress but its what I know.  I eat to fill the empty/alone feeling when stuff is stressing me out!  No wonder I gained so much weight during grad school!!  Anyway, I am trying very hard to get myself back on track.  In the past messing up for a week would mean I would begin to believe that I wasn’t capable of losing weight and that I was failing.  I have tried to reorient my thinking so that I recognize the setback but don’t let it mean anything more than that.  Yesterday was the first “good” day start to finish.  I ate really well and did an hour of cardio which felt good and tiring.  I also got a full nights sleep that helped tremendously.  I noticed that when I’m making bad choices my water intake goes down a ton, so I have made a point to increase my water consumption again – it helps soooo much with cravings.

Aside from the diet/food issues and the drama with the baby daddy life has been alright.  Preston and I spent the weekend with my aunt two weekends ago and enjoyed pool time, eating out, a visit to Navy Pier and a fun production of Beauty and the Beast.  Preston was fascinated by the costumes and music of the show.  Preston is truly a dramatic and theatrical person at heart and so its really fun to take him to shows.  I like to watch him, watching the show, even though he doesn’t have the words to explain the pleasure he gets from it you can see it on his face and it just makes me so happy.  Last weekend we headed down to central Illinois where my best friend Katie lives.  Her daughter Lorelei (who happens to be my god-daughter) is 6 months younger than Preston and they have such a great time playing together while Katie and I enjoy spending grown up time together.  It was a nice quick trip.

Our summer has really been pretty fun.  Preston loves his ballet class.  We try to hit up the library regularly and the pool.  He doesn’t nap anymore – hasn’t in over a year – so we make the most of our day having fun and playing and then he’s asleep around 6:30pm.  That’s the best part of no naps, early bedtime and time to relax or go to work :)

I have been feeling this desire to reconnect or connect with people to expand my social network.  I have lots of friends, but they are mostly spread out and not easily accessible in person.  I also think that as you get older your circle of friends just keeps shrinking.  But in an effort to combat my loneliness I have decided I’d like more friends in the area.  So even though I haven’t really taken any major strides to meet a bunch of new people its something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Ok this post is getting totally random.  I am sorry for my absence and avoidance for so long.  I’m ready to get back to blogging regularly and sharing my success as well as my slower less productive weeks.

Hump Day

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Sorry about my lack of participation yesterday – I really hit a mood and wasn’t sure how to pull myself together enough to not sound all complainy.  Anyway – today is a better day!  Preston had his first ballet class today (highlight of the day)!!

I asked him a few weeks ago if he could do any sport he wanted this summer, I listed several, what would he choose.  And ballet was his number one!  So I signed him up and today in a class with about 12 little girls he got his ballet on.  It was really cute and he came out of the classroom doing some sort of ballet type move and told me he loved it and wants to do it again!  After ballet we headed over to return our WAY overdue books/movies at the library.  During the school year it was so much easier to remember when books were due and plan our trips to the library – gotta adjust to a new schedule.  So we finally got them back and I let him play for an hour.  He loves playing at the library and its the only place he actually regulates the volume of his voice so I’m all for it :)

This afternoon I have an elliptical date with a friend at the gym and then I have work this evening.  Not a bad Wednesday at all.  Although as I sit here typing I’m realizing that I didn’t stick the dinner I had planned on in the crock pot earlier today and now its a bit too late so I’ll have to get creative and come up with something else… story of my life!  Haha.

I’ve noticed that my energy in general has been down this week and part of last week.  I think one thing is that I haven’t been eating as many vegetables (have I mentioned this before??).  Several months ago I dabbled with eating vegan and I read a lot about it and such and somewhere along the way I read about how we derive so much energy from plants because they derive their energy from the sun – so its kind of like the closest link to deriving energy from the sun.  Ever since I read that I have definitely seen a correlation between my plant intake and my energy level!!  And I like to think about the sun fueling me from the inside out :)  So this week I’m trying desperately to do more veggies!!  Maybe this is just a blah week for me – everyone is entitled to having one of those every now and then.  The good fabulous news is even though I don’t feel so great about myself, my life etc I haven’t really had any urges to indulge in off limits food or even binge on acceptable food.

I am sitting here just realizing that the reason I may be feeling so blah is that I’m going on two weeks of full time mommy duty.  My only “off” time is when he’s asleep.  There’s not even any tag team with anyone, just me and I really do look forward to the every other weekend that I get to myself when Pres goes to visit his dad.  I think whats getting under my skin the most is that I’m not so sure he is going this weekend and all I want is a break!  I just gave Pres a lecture about wanting Five MInutes Peace from him – do you know that book?  It was a fun one from when I was a kid that I bought for Preston when he was little and we enjoy reading it.  Its nice because it also helps him get that mommies sometimes need a few minutes to themselves.  Even though I know its ok for me to want some time to myself it makes me feel like a bad mom when I plop him in front of the TV so I can catch up on my blogs or read a book for half an hour.  I know I’m not – I know a lot of moms can relate to this feeling – but its hard not to feel it in the moment (or at least when admitting it to  other people).  My only justification that my illogical emotional side will accept is that he hasn’t taken an afternoon (or any) nap since he was a little over 2 and a half.  Maybe closer to 3.  But man I used to live for those naps when I could either be super productive or super lazy.  It was nice.  So I guess this time is our down time and I need to be ok with it.

Alright enough rambling from me.  Hope you’re all having a good week and enjoying or managing the transition from spring/school year to summer/schools out!

angry.

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I’m feeling angry toady.  Really REALLY angry.  My anger is directed at a particular person who made a horrible decision that affects my son.  I am so angry about it I could swear for ten minutes straight and I’m not sure I could convey how much anger I feel inside of me.  Anger is one of the emotions that I don’t have a problem with feeling and expressing.  I am what some in my line of work might deem a ‘quick to anger’ kind of person.  Instead of letting things simmer and bother me for a long time without saying anything until I explode (a slow to anger type) I am ready and willing to express my anger when I feel it.  Neither way is right or wrong, and both ways of dealing with upsetting things can get you into trouble.  But my way is definitely quick to anger.  I get angry sometimes about little things and express it and move on without it feeling like a lasting thing.  I have scorched a few people in my life because of this trait of mine.  But I am also not typically simmering with anger at anyone because I get it out as I express it.  This particular situation last night sent me through the roof.  So angry that I am struggling to find words to describe it.  And as I have grown older and wiser ;) I have made more of an effort not to scorch those around me when I get angry and instead let the feeling subside a bit before expressing it.  It seems to be most beneficial for myself and those around me.

When I work with my clients on anger I typically talk about how anger is a secondary emotion.  That it is the emotion that rises to the top but there are usually other feelings going on beneath the surface that fuel the anger.  Anger is just more socially acceptable than fear or sadness for example.  The example I use is: when someone cuts you off you get angry with the other driver, sometimes mutter some choice words at them, and other times whip out the bird and send it their direction.  Either way you express anger, but what sits below that is fear.  Fear that you could have been in an accident, fear for your safety, and when that was threatened your expression of it turned to anger.  So in this time of waiting out my anger I decided to ask myself what is beneath the anger in this situation.

Frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness are the feelings that come to mind.  Frustration for me is almost always and immediately turned to anger.  When I’m frustrated with something anger happens very quickly.  A very clever way of avoiding feeling frustrated.  Disappointment is something I feel somewhat confident in handling – everyone experiences disappointment and it doesn’t have an isolating feeling associated with it so I’m ok with a little let down every now and then.  Fear is something I don’t like, I typically cope with fear by reaching out – talking to people and expressing my fears helps me to normalize my fears and get a grip on reality.    I cope with disbelief similarly to disappointment.  I don’t live the same as a lot of people in this world, I have different viewpoints and at times other people act in ways that lead me to disbelief but I reason that they are simply wired different than me – I’m big on the ‘different strokes for different folks’ mentality.  Betrayal and sadness lead me to eat.  Plain and simple, I don’t like dealing with these two.  They lead me to feel isolated, lonely, disrespected – and all of those play into my fears & insecurities about my self worth.  Particularly in this situation because it was something involving the care of my son it reminds me about my status as a single mom and that enhances my feelings of loneliness and thoughts of “how did I get into this mess?”.

I was proud of myself that yesterday after discovering that my sons care had been neglected and disregarded to the level that is in the ABSOLUTELY NOT OK category I thought about taking a bike ride.  I was so mad and had no words that all I wanted to do was get on my bike and ride around until I felt clear inside.  So I am happy that my initial reaction for coping was something that is healthy for me.  However, at that moment it was time to get my little man some dinner and put him to bed.  I swallowed my anger down and focused on my responsibility as mom.  After I said goodnight to Preston and shut his door I allowed myself to fully feel/reflect on this information I learned about how he spent his weekend away from me.  The anger was so quick to appear that all these other feelings quietly sat unattended beneath the surface.  I made my dinner and ate alone.  This is when the real stuff started to creep up.  This is when I thought about food in a coping/avoiding kind of way.  I didn’t actually feel like acting on this desire my body was informing me of – I tried to stay focused, recognize it, and allowed it to pass.  I told myself no.  I didn’t allow any space to entertain the idea of what type of food I might want to binge on or anything like that.  It was the people that read this blog and what it represents for me that helped me shut down that possibility very quickly.

But now I’m left to deal with all this ugly anger and all of its little buddies that follow along behind him.  In times like this I think a lot about how much I struggle being a single mom.  I tell myself that if I were married I wouldn’t feel so alone.  I make up that people that are married always have a person they can seek solace and support in.  Rationally I know that isn’t always the case – in fact sometimes it is the person you are married to that brings up the feelings that I have been feeling for the past 18 hours.  So I know that I’m lying to myself – that I’m feeling lonely and frustrated (and wanting a prince charming to rescue me) and the story I make up about married people fits with how I feel.  But continuing to believe that I don’t have what all married people have is not really helpful for me.  I may not have a husband but I have family and friends that listen to and support me.  Might it be different if I had a husband?  Maybe.  But only maybe.  So for now I will sit in and process my frustration, disappointment, fear, disbelief, betrayal, and sadness.  I will try not to avoid feeling those things and instead let them help me take action.  Let them help guide me in what to do next and how to respond to a situation that has left me feeling so angry.

Facing My Fears

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“Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true: that by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we’re carrying around a giant tumor.” – Meredith Grey (or her writers)

 Just watch the first 2 minutes and 30 seconds of the clip if you’ve never seen this episode.  The sound is really quiet but its the best I could find.

I’m not sure what made me think of this episode of Grey’s Anatomy earlier today yesterday but it happened and it inspired me to write about it.  If you aren’t a Grey’s fan or haven’t seen this episode this woman comes in with a massive tumor on her abdomen.  She hasn’t left her house in a year because of it.  At one point in the episode George O’Malley asks her why she let it grow so big and the woman explains that she’s always feared the hospital so she put off going to the doctor.  She only decided to seek medical attention when it became unavoidable.

The whole episode is basically about why we put things off and that it is because of fear that we don’t do things.  When I think about weight loss, dieting, trying to change myself, etc I can completely relate to this idea.  Before I lost 100lbs the first time I was afraid of the unknown, and feared all the work I would have to put into losing the weight.  I was also afraid of failing.  But that first time was mostly me forcing myself to stop being lazy.  This time around has been a different ball of wax.  In fact the past 7 years I think I’ve been like this woman, growing a “tumor” (the weight) and being so afraid of dealing with it that I simply avoided it until I couldn’t anymore.

Someone might say a tumor grows out of human control, and I was the one in control of the weight growing.  The thing is throughout the past 7 years a lot of it felt out of control for me.  I recall times of trying to diet and then on Friday after work feeling lonely or let down or some other negative emotion and I would go find food on auto pilot – literally the decision and execution of finding junk food would happen so quickly I only felt the guilt of breaking my diet after the food was ordered or was sitting in my car on the way home.  Often times I would get a bag of chips, or cookies, or some other treat and plan to eat some of it in moderation and save the rest of it, but when I would try to put it away it would sit there calling my name, taunting me until I picked the bag back up and consumed the rest of whatever it was until I felt sick.  There are a variety of foods that I have sworn to God I would never touch again if he would just make the sick, I totally overate, feeling go away.  In those times I was just too afraid to face the bad feelings so I soothed myself with food.

Other times in the past 7 years I have been stuck in this cycle because of the stream of thoughts I have running about myself as a result of trying to make losing weight about someone else.  The woman in the Grey’s episode had witnessed several family members enter the hospital and died while there, so she believed that if she went to the hospital the same would be true for her.  And unfortunately it was true – she waited too long and died on the operating table.  After dating Chris I believed that even being thinner didn’t make me worth loving.  I believed that he proved that to me by not loving me and letting me go when I was trying so hard to be exactly what he wanted.  He showed me that I had to be 135lbs and maintain that to be lovable or else I wasn’t.  I struggled to believe that at 250lbs if I was laughing and having a good time with people that I was as worthy and lovable as my friends who were at least 100lbs less than me.  I believed these things because I had experienced them.  At one of my lower weights I recall Chris asking me how I ever thought I was pretty when I was at my heaviest, because I used to say I felt pretty when going out with friends or something.  I was at a loss for how to answer it because I did feel pretty.  Probably because I was only focused on my face and I like my face.  And maybe I felt pretty relative to my size.  But, regardless of how I felt pretty at the time, the fact that he asked me that sent the message that I clearly was not pretty then and I shouldn’t have thought that way about myself.  So when I put the weight back on it was tremendously  hard to have “pretty days”.  I also started to interact with the world as if these things I believed about myself were true.   Like the way the doctors react to the woman with the tumor; I believed all thin people talked about me and judged me like that every second of every day.  I was unlovable if I was fat.  I was not funny and enjoyable being overweight.  That “pretty days” were only possible for thin people.  And the world started to react to me that way.  Not that people were more mean or insulting, but the world just didn’t care for me the way it felt in 2005 when I was thinner.  Likely this was all a result of perception on my part.  The story I told myself about my self worth felt true because I looked for validation of it in everything.

I would have moments of clarity where I could convince myself those things weren’t true, that I was worth fighting for, so I would fight.  I would start a diet and within a week or two something would happen that lined up with my bad perception of myself and I would quit. I became less willing to try over time.  I became resentful and frustrated and depressed.  I still struggle with this.  My story about my self worth that was influenced by Chris and adapted and developed by me has a way of creeping up on me.  Sometimes I notice something I don’t like about myself in the mirror and I obsess about it for some time.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel pretty and the voice inside of me tries to remind me that fat girls don’t get “pretty days”.  I have to tell myself to shut up – quiet down and go away! That’s not true!!  When I say something and everyone in the room doesn’t drop everything and come listen to every word coming out of my mouth it is not because I am overweight it is because they’re busy, or preoccupied, or something else – but its not about me.

I’m still at a point where my weight loss isn’t noticeable to anyone but myself and I fear something coming along and knocking me off this ride and failing.  And I initially feel comfort in thinking that people then wouldn’t know I failed, that I hadn’t done what I set out to do and it would be fine.  I could just stay overweight and no one would know I want something different for myself.  But then I remember that I’m writing this blog.  That I’ve told everyone I know that I’m making this effort, that quitting now would mean that I have to own it and tell people.  And that is not something I want to do.  And ultimately giving up is not something I want to do either.

The Grey’s Anatomy episode ends with Meredith saying, “We have to make our own mistakes.  We have to learn our own lessons.  We have to sweep todays possibility under tomorrows rug until we can’t anymore.  Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.  That knowing is better than wondering.  That waking is better than sleeping.  And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.”

The pain of being so overweight has far exceeded the pain of facing my weight and self worth issues.  It has been time to face all of this for a long time.  And I am left with a giant tumor – the pain, the regret, the missed opportunities and experiences.  But I won’t live in fear anymore.  I will continue to try.  Every day.  I don’t want to wonder anymore about who Megan is as a healthier and happier person.  I don’t want to long for her anymore.  I want to work my ass off to become her and maintain her.

Pain in the…

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Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking about pain tolerance and how we say that one person has a higher pain tolerance than another person and wondered how we might actually know something like that.  The thing about pain is that pain is such a vague concept in terms of it being comparable to other people.  We can compare our own pain to other times we have experienced pain but can not very clearly relate it to another’s pain.  And when we relate our pain to a previous experience we are measuring current pain with a memory of pain.  And memories have a way of fooling us sometimes – whether it be remembering things worse or better than when we actually experienced it, they are rarely 100% accurate.

Our pain is all connected to our awareness of it.  I had Preston via c-section.  I never even went into labor, it was planned, so one minute I was a happy and (relatively) comfortable pregnant lady and the next minute I was numb from the chest down and hearing the first cries of my new baby boy.  It was a good experience and I would say that I didn’t really feel any pain.  In fact I felt great through the whole procedure.  They pulled the epidural out 24 hours after the birth and as the medicine wore off I became sore and then there was pain; but because I wasn’t aware of the pain before the medicine wore off does that mean that my body did not experience pain during the c-section?

What about emotional pain?  Can another person gauge how painful a given emotional experience might be for someone else?  Can two people experience the same trigger to emotional pain (say a death in the family) and give the pain a different value on the pain scale?  Are we ever experiencing emotional pain and simply unaware of it due to the “epidural” that we have firmly in place to block the pain from being too much?  Can we ever have that pain blocker in place before the pain begins (like we can with physical pain) or is it always secondary to the pain – coping?

Some of these questions I can’t answer.  Pain is so personal and so abstract and yet so concrete all in one.  When I recall times of pain in my life I think first of emotionally painful times and later to physically painful times.  Maybe I have been blessed to have not had to endure too much physical pain – although I’ve had a few doozies!  Maybe the emotional pain has just always rated higher on the pain scale for me.  Maybe I have a high tolerance for physical pain and a low tolerance for emotional pain.  But who’s to say?  Pain is pain.  I have dealt with my physical pain with ibuprofen, ice, stitches, casts, and bandaids.  I have dealt with my emotional pain with tears, screams, silence, laughter (a sometimes awkward reaction but it happens), TV, and food.

Now that I am working daily to monitor my food intake (a primary form of emotional pain block) it brings up a lot of memories of emotional pain.  I had my emotional epidural for a long time so that I could avoid and/or lessen the pain (I still felt the pain when not “medicating” but the food managed to dull it).  Now I’ve essentially pulled the block.  I am not feeling all the pain like a backed up dam, but I still have pain its just not quite clear what the source was for all of it.  Just like when my epidural was pulled after my c I didn’t experience the pain of the actual procedure just the residual effects of new wounds healing.  It took several months to no longer feel pain after my c-section.  And I guess for me, it takes years for the emotional pain (from some wounds) to fully heal – or maybe I’ve perpetuated them instead of allowing them to heal in a timely manner.  So now I’m left to sort out how I will deal with, tolerate, cope with the pain that seems to still be present.

The ironic thing is that in an effort to dull the emotional pain from various experiences with other people I ate which caused me to feel miserable about myself, which put me in a fair amount of pain as well!!  Both emotional pain and physical pain.  I think the challenging part of losing the weight for me is getting out of this cycle.  I have to lose a decent amount of weight before my weight is no longer a source of emotional pain for me – and I fear my weight will forever be a source of emotional pain because of some of the emotional pain I endured in a previous relationship (read a little bit about that here).  I also have to deal with the emotional pain from other experiences that are marbled throughout the parts of me that are depressed about my weight.  It is so complicated.  And yet going forward is so simple – right?  I have to eat less, move more and the weight will come off.  In the meantime I have to cope with emotional pain in a new way so that it doesn’t make me turn to food, and when I want to I just have to tell myself no.  So whether my tolerance for pain is high or low I am extremely aware of it while I attempt to eliminate triggers to pain that I have control of, my weight.  As for how I will deal with pain going forward, be it physical or emotional, is yet to be completely determined.  But I’ll keep you posted ;)

Weekend Review

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Big news first: I LOST 5.8LBS LAST WEEK!!!  :)

I know the first week loss is usually more than the second so I am prepared to have a lower loss for this coming week.  But I was really excited to see that I lost almost 6lbs last week.  I am still playing with the calorie counts and such.  I wrote in my last post that I’m struggling some days to get in 1200 calories.  But then again, I find myself second guessing the MyFitnessPal app constantly.  It said I burned almost 1100 calories the other day just cutting the grass and going for a 3.5 mile bike ride – IDK I just don’t believe it.

I guess over time I will trust it as long as I keep losing.  And if I’m losing – I’m happy :)

This weekend was kind of interesting.  I spent the majority of it all alone.  Literally.  I tried to make plans but nothing came of it.  Friday nights are the hardest on me when I come home from work and have nothing to do but sit by myself in my room and watch TV.  I’M 28 YEARS OLD I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE MY TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT!!  But it is.  Anyway, Saturday I woke up and went into the office to do some filing and organizing.  I played music and worked for several hours.  It was nice to feel productive but felt a little lonely (mostly because I didn’t want to be alone).  After work I went to the gym.  I really didn’t want to go but I knew that since I had to weigh in on Sunday morning that it would be good to get a sweat session in the day before.  I actually sat in the parking lot for ten minutes before going in – I really wanted to just go home and nap (probably my body’s way of convincing me to avoid all those lonely feelings).  But I pulled up my boot straps and went into the gym and ellipticalized for 45 minutes.  It actually felt really good.  Go figure ;)  My knees had been feeling really good and I knew I was in for some discomfort so after the gym I came home and iced my knees and popped two ibuprofen.  Worked out pretty well!  Saturday night I spent alone watching TV again.  Any other ideas on how to spend my weekend nights alone without getting sucked into the boob tube?  I like reading and do that sometimes but TV is easier to multitask (Pinterest, Facebook, blog reading, etc).

Sunday was Mother’s Day and I was dreading it.  My friend Johanita (my only single mom friend) and I had been texting back and forth about our feelings of this day.  In my four years of being a mom on Mother’s Day it hasn’t really lived up to they hype – at all.  And that’s likely true for a lot of mom’s.  But for me it is a day that reminds me how single I am and thats depressing for me.  Preston was with his dad for the weekend and they showed up early with flowers and a card that Preston wrote in.  It was really cute and made me feel nice.  The celebration with my mom and sister and her family all went fine but I still just felt blue about it all.  After Pres was in bed and the company was gone I went back to my room and felt REALLY lonely.  Like, what a boring weekend.  Oh well, I’m looking forward to next weekend when Pres and I drive down state to visit my best friend and her family :)

Last night when I was feeling lonely I wanted to eat.  Of course.  I actually did really well yesterday considering all the chips/guac, amazingly yummy pesto and pita chips (both of these dips homemade by my dad).  My mom also made cookies and brownies this weekend – talk about tempting food being in my house!  Not helpful!!  Anyway, for the most part I didn’t really want any of it.  I chewed on some gum while everyone was snacking.  It was when I was alone that I really felt hungry.  I let myself have a Jello Pudding (sugar free) for dessert and while I still felt hungry I just told myself that was it.  This morning I decided I’d try and eat closer to 1300 calories today to see if the hunger monster (that is probably just loneliness) will go away.  Breakfast was fine.  I made Preston’s lunch first – as I do most days and I wanted to eat it so bad.

But how could I steal from a face like this??

It looked so good and really probably wasn’t more than 600 calories, but I knew I shouldn’t copy his lunch and do grilled turkey and cheese with butter so I trimmed mine up a bit and came up with this…

I took a whole wheat tortilla and smeared 1/4 C of fat free refried beans on it then added two slices of reduced fat swiss cheese and put it in my skillet over low heat covered it until the cheese melted.  When it was done I added some shredded lettuce and leftover green beans from yesterday.  It was delish!  And very satisfying.  So I turned it around a bit :)  And it actually helped with the hunger monster.  So maybe the hunger is more about calories than loneliness after all.  Who knows!  I’m just going to keep doing what feels good for me and hopefully the scale will continue to give me good news.

How was your Mother’s Day?  Any hunger monsters living in your belly?  What are your favorite leaner version meals of things that you really love? I’m not sure my lunch was a spot on leaner version of Preston’s but it made my belly happy.

How’s that working for you?

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Yesterday was the first day I had to work since starting my diet.  Have I mentioned I love my job?  I do.  I feel like it is the perfect job for me and it also allows me to be home with Preston a bunch which is really good for the both of us.  I love my job because of what happens when I’m working with couples or families (or individuals).  Perseverance, rethinking, clarifying, honesty, change.  I offer possibility and perspective that my clients may have been unaware of before they came into the office.  I encourage people to see how they impact their world, their family, and themselves – and when they don’t like the impact they’re having I help them find ways to change.  The job requires a delicate balance of stirring the pot and being sensitive and empathetic, being straight-forward and walking the winding path with your clients.  It’s a great job for me.

At one point last night I felt a twinge in my chest and I began to think about food (in an unhealthy, binge triggering kind of way).  I observed this and moved on as I was focused on what was happening in the session but as I drove home last night I began to think about the feeling I had and the topic that was being discussed.  The topic was how a married couple could rely on each other and work together when parenting… every time this topic comes up it reminds me of what I don’t have in the parenting department (a partner) and sends a signal to my brain to cope with emotions I don’t like eat to dull the pain.  Like I said before, in session I can observe it and move on and remain focused but its after work that those feelings come up for me.

In the past year I had developed a habit of coming home from work (around 10:30pm) and eating.  On one hand sometimes I didn’t have dinner before I went or I ate very little before I left for work because I was rushing to get Preston to bed and therefore I would feel hungry at 10:30.  But mostly it was an excuse.  Late night eating has always been a struggle for me – and tends to be a time most overweight people indulge because no one is around to watch.  So on my way home from work I’d stop and get a second dinner or I’d come home and eat whatever I could find in the pantry.  My after work eating was not an all out binge in the 5,000 calorie range or anything, but it was an additional meal which was still likely over 1000 calories so still a binge in my book.

On top of possibly feeling hungry this was also a way of avoiding feeling sad or frustrated about the situation I find myself in, in terms of single parenting and lacking a partner who supports me.  I am so good at avoiding those feelings – I would come home eat my meal and watch TV until midnight or 1am to completely distract myself from thinking about how I felt (and virtually trash myself for the following morning).  I would let myself get lost in TV shows just to escape and avoid feeling.  Of course, no one can keep those feelings inside forever so they’d bleed out in various areas of my life – onto Preston, in my attempt at co-parenting relationship with Justin, to my lack of effort put in other areas of my life etc.  So clearly this was not really working for me, but eating and avoiding has been how I have coped for many years.

So back to last night.  As I drove home (passing Taco Bell, Chipotlé, McDonalds, Five Guys etc) I thought about how easy it would be to go home and follow the same pattern of eating to dull whatever pain or discomfort I was feeling.  But I knew if I indulged I would only be perpetuating the problem.  So I told myself no; no Megan you don’t need to eat anything its 10:30pm you need to go home and go to bed.  So that’s what I did.  One might argue that I still avoided the feelings I have about disliking my single parent status, but I am not sure that 10:30 at night is the best time to attempt to process those feelings anyway.  In fact, I know its not because it would’ve kept me up until well past midnight.

I woke up this morning feeling really good.  I was also proud of myself for doing what I knew I needed to do.  It gave me confidence in myself.  It helped me believe that even though I want more for my life than living in my parent’s basement and being a single mom, I can still be content in the present.  I can still manage me.  AND the more I manage myself now the better the future looks for both myself and for Preston.

Being aware of the triggers…

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I was thinking it would be worth my time to think through and blog about the things that seem to trigger unhealthy decisions that lead to a binge or feeling like I’ve failed and then let go of my determination and focus.  These things may change over time.  As I remember when I was successful for a long-span of time the things that seemed tempting in the beginning became less and less tempting as time went on.

I mentioned in my last post that getting enough sleep was something I wanted to make a priority for a variety of reasons.  one thing I know from previous experience is that when I am tired I have far less energy to make healthy food choices and struggle to get enough exercise/movement in.  So to avoid falling off the wagon my first goal is to really listen to my body and get enough sleep at night – no more staying up till midnight watching TV shows on Netflix.

Homemade baked goods, celebratory goodies.  At some point I hope to be able to indulge in a slice of birthday cake or a few sweet treats during the holidays – but for starters it is probably best for me to steer clear.   My birthday (and Preston’s birthday) is at the end of June, my hope is that will be the first time I let myself have a small piece of something yummy.  It would be completely unrealistic of me to ask people not to have sweets around me, but maybe being sure that if those things are at the house they are out of sight.  And let’s be honest no one actually NEEDS those things sitting around, especially before the warmer months kick in when its nice to feel a little thinner anyway.  Thankfully between now and the end of June there aren’t any family birthdays that need to be celebrated so that might also be helpful.  Any suggestions for curbing that sweet craving when others are indulging would be helpful!

A major weakness I have is fast food.  Not just the drive through kind but any food that takes little to no prep time.  Its all generally unhealthy and I want to try not to indulge in “fast food”.  As I recall from 7 years ago I did eat a lot of salads from Panera, Corner Bakery and any other little sandwich place that sold fresh salad with chicken and little else.  It really helped a lot with my weight loss – but since then I’ve tired of your standard salad so there is really little reason be heading to those places on any sort of regular basis.  I’m thinking using things like the crock pot can be helpful having things ready when I want them but fresh and healthy.  I’m a big fan of your basic sandwich but have begun looking more into wraps that I can pack full of fresh veggies.  Chipotle will ultimately be the hardest to abstain from because it is SOOOO yummy.  I have several recipes that are similar in ingredients but keep the calories down so it might require me being sure they are on my weekly schedule at least once to keep the Chipotle cravings down.  Another way that I might make room for something like Chipotle is going with a friend to keep me accountable and only eating half of what they serve me because the portions are really large.  Another part of this equation that will likely prove to be really helpful is my plan to meal plan several weeks ahead of present time.  Having a plan of what I will eat and when will help me avoid the, ‘I’m hungry now and I don’t know what to eat…’ moments.

Feeling lonely or any pity party type feelings really trigger me to want to eat for comfort.  I have found that there are even specific days and times that I feel more apt to eat for comfort.  One time is Friday evenings – I work until about 530/6pm and then I come home and typically do my laundry and catch up on TV shows.  I am generally alone and isolated and that triggers me to feel crappy and want to eat.  Preston goes to bed really early 630/7pm so if I’m not working and he’s not at his dad’s house then I put him to bed by 7pm and spend the rest of the evening alone.  Did I mention I’m an extrovert?  All the alone time I get is more than I need/want.  And because eating is a generally shameful thing – even when I’m eating “normally” – all the alone time lends itself nicely to overeating.  So while I can’t change the fact that I am hanging out at home while Preston is snoozing away I can be more intentional about how I spend that time.  If I’m getting enough sleep I will hopefully have the energy to do more than sit on the couch and catch up on TV.  I’m thinking – exercise DVD’s, Wii Fit, stationary bike riding, crafting, organizing, prepping meals for the following days, or blogging.  I think if I can get myself to 8/830pm without overindulging then I can slip into bed and reward myself with an hour or two of TV or book reading.  The other day/time is weekdays when Preston and I have nothing planned.  T/Th he is in school in the morning so I try to go to the gym or fill that time with something that is easier to get done without him.  Wednesdays he has a gymnastics class in the middle of the day and that breaks things up a bit.  Fridays I work half of the day so we are usually pretty busy in the morning getting ready to leave the house.  I guess it is Mondays that are the hardest – they also tend to set the tone for the week.  So if Monday doesn’t go well the rest of the week usually doesn’t.  So it looks like I need to make some more concrete plans for us on Mondays: play dates, sign up for a class, trips to the zoo or arboretum, weekend visits that have us leaving Monday morning, or some other intentional use of our time.  Of course there is laundry and toy cleaning/organizing and all those at home responsibilities but they don’t seem to pull me away from that blah feeling that leads me to comfort eating.

There are likely others – but I’m drawing a blank.  I think primarily keeping me more mentally focused and ensuring I’m eating enough/sleeping enough will really help me avoid triggering thoughts to overeat or eat junk food.  What ways do you avoid triggers to eat poorly and ruin your diet?  What kind of activities do you participate in to avoid bored eating?  What is the one food that other people just can’t eat near you without you feeling like you want some too?