I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!? I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden. I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place. I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment. The before and after pictures. The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it. How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful. I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful. But what about those of us still in the trenches?? I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006. That’s 6 and a half years! Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days. Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.
I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker. I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy. But here it goes:
I feel alone. And dark. And tired. And sad. And stuck. And alone. And alone. And alone.
My diet has been shit this week. Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through. My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me. My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on. Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill. I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks. When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness. I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone. Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting. I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend. I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.
I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different). I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband. I want to be chosen by someone. I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you. You are the one that I choose above any others. You are worth choosing.” I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night. I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times. I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it. I want someone to sit with at mass. I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.
Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate. I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready. At least I think I am. I just don’t want to do life alone anymore. It sucks. It does, it really just sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends. I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone. So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members. I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there. And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.
At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad. I have awesome friends and an amazing family. I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without. I am aware I have it better than some, many even. Am I selfish for wanting more? For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?
My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now. I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected. All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight. I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy? Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you. I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week? Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting. All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there. :(
I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job. I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston. I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston. I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me. I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality. This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like. I never would have laid out this path as the one to take. Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are. I know this. I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!! I am just really struggling with it for myself. I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it. With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.
I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this. I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this. Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment. I’m just really struggling with that. I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life. I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top? When do I summit this beast of a mountain? How much further and harder can I push? Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day. My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time. Here’s to being strong…