I’m trying…

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Ive spent the better part of this morning looking through old cookbooks and online for food ideas for next week.  I know I don’t want to settle for the weight I’m at.  I still have LOTS of work to do and I can allow a week of wallowing but then I HAVE to get back to work.  The month of July was really a doozy for me and I think if I can just acknowledge that and move forward then maybe I won’t be lost at sea forever.

On the menu for next week are some of my old favorites from my Dr. Phil diet days…I am going to be making his Refrigerator Applesauce Bran Muffins and his Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry.  The muffins are awesome and you make a whole bunch of batter that can be refrigerated for 3 weeks so you just make a few muffins at a time so that they’re fresh.  They are only 100 calories per muffin and I usually eat two for breakfast for fiber and carbs and then make an egg or something for protein.  The Beef & Broccoli Stir Fry is just your standard asian stir fry dish but one serving is only 176 calories with 21g of protein.  And its delish!  I might share his recipes here when I make them, we’ll see.  If not you can always pick up the cookbook on Amazon.

I also had the chance to talk with my dad last night about ideas for marketing myself so that I can bring in more clients.  This would eliminate the need for a second job and trying to completely overhaul my schedule and care for Preston.  That makes me feel a little bit better.  Having a plan is always calming to me – even if I don’t execute the plan as I wrote it, its more the idea that I have a road map to follow that really helps me feel at peace about my life.  So food plans and work/marketing plans are a good place to start.

The weather in Chicago today is right around 75 degrees.  It is a wonderful break from the heat we’ve had all summer.  The skies are overcast so that isn’t helping my gloomy mood but I know that getting outside, maybe chasing after Preston on his bike, will help lift my spirits and my energy.  I only have one client tonight (down from three scheduled) but I will be home early enough to possibly start working on organizing my living space.  I am going to have to push myself really hard to get to work but I know that having a clean and orderly living space will help me feel calmer on the inside.  Maybe I’ll even go to bed a little bit early tonight so I don’t feel like a zombie tomorrow :)

I am looking forward to a few things in the coming months and focusing on those things are sometimes helpful when I feel so blah…

This weekend Preston and I are heading into the city (a place that always gives me life!) to help my aunt with a few things.  My two amazing friends, Heidi and Liz are going to be hanging with Preston while I work and then we will hopefully all spend some time together. Social and out of the house are my main goals for my weekends and it appears as though I will be accomplishing both :)

Next week Monday Pres and I have his orientation for Pre-K 4 :)  He is attending our parish’s preschool program again this year.  He went two mornings a week last year and really loved it so this year its 3 mornings a week!  I’m hopeful that I can successfully use that time to exercise and meal plan so that I’m not taking any time away from him and both of those things are easier without him.  I also just signed him up for his fall activities – he’s taking a ballet/tap class and a hiphop/jazz class.  He took ballet this summer and dancing seems to be the only thing he wants to do.  I plan on encouraging him to try several different sports and activities so that he can get a real sense of what it is he likes to do but for this fall we are sticking with dance.

I’m also excited about school starting because that means fall and that means cooler temps, raking leaves, jeans, sweaters, apple picking, pumpkin carving and all those fun fall activities.  As far as seasons go, fall is my #1.

Thank you to those of you that left me encouraging comments, even just one comment helps to redirect my focus and remember that I don’t have such a bad deal going on.  It helps me remember that I deserve to fight for what I want even if it feels like I’ve been fighting for a very long time.  I trust that God has a plan for my life and I need to be patient and present for the challenging times as well as the easier/happier times.  I’m trying…

to being strong…

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I’m struggling.

I have been thinking about my blog every day since the last day that I posted something, what was that two weeks ago?!?  I have been struggling, dieting and emotionally and I just want to keep that hidden.  I keep telling myself that when I turn the ship around and feel better and my diet is better then I can write about where I was and how I’m in a better place.  I think that most stories, novels, successful blogs are all about the after moment.  The before and after pictures.  The story of how said person was in a low place but is writing to tell about how they got through it.  How they struggled to find success but they are now being successful.  I guess we as a human race prefer to read stories and blogs and watch movies about triumph and coming through the dark stuff because it keeps us hopeful.  But what about those of us still in the trenches??  I personally feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since roughly, January of 2006.  That’s 6 and a half years!  Throughout that time I’ve had some good times, happy moments etc, but I really feel like I’m just surviving each day, not living and enjoying those days.  Maybe I say that because when you’re in the trenches the lens you have to look at the past through clouds everything so it all looks pretty grey.

I wanted to wait and see when I would feel a little more sunny but I don’t, in fact I feel darker.  I want to write from the dark place, with the goal of not sounding whiny and complainy.  But here it goes:

I feel alone.  And dark.  And tired.  And sad.  And stuck.  And alone.  And alone.  And alone.

My diet has been shit this week.  Its a reflection of the emotional tsunami I’m trying to swim through.  My space is a mess, also a reflection of whats going on inside of me.  My car even smells funny, although, that I do not think is a reflection of my inner turmoil, I think there’s just something stinky going on.  Things with Preston’s dad continue at a standstill.  I haven’t had more than a 2 hour window of time without Pres in 5 weeks.  When I’m not near Preston I am at work, helping other people sort out their darkness.  I do have a few evenings to myself when I am not working and those prove to be even more challenging for me because I sit, alone.  Needless to say, I’d love to have a weekend “off” where I can get on my bike again, where I could sleep in, or visit a friend without planning how Pres will be entertained while I’m visiting.  I would like to consume an alcoholic beverage and enjoy the cooler evening weather with a friend.  I want to feel more human – more like a person who has needs and wants that are just as valid as her clients or her son’s.

I’m so sick of being alone (yes I find saying that funny when I just stated that I’d like a break from mommy duty for a few minutes but I’m talking about something a little different).  I want a partner, a boyfriend, a husband.  I want to be chosen by someone.  I dream about someone proposing to me and saying, “I choose you.  You are the one that I choose above any others.  You are worth choosing.”  I want a best friend that I can laugh with and play with and sleep next to every night.  I want a man in my life that helps me sort out the harder times and celebrates that happy times.  I want someone to watch the olympics with, someone to have inside jokes with, someone to play rock paper scissors with when Preston makes a mess and neither of us want to deal with it.  I want someone to sit with at mass.  I want someone to dream with and cry with and play with.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  I want someone to be my someone who is a constant in my life, I want that person to choose me, pick me, love me.

Sometimes I tell myself that my desire to have a partner is so strong that it must mean I’m desperate.  I don’t know – I won’t settle, I won’t marry the next guy that comes along if he isn’t right, but I am definitely ready.  At least I think I am.  I just don’t want to do life alone anymore.  It sucks.  It does, it really just sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  I love all of them so much – the thing is, they’ve already chosen someone to be their someone.  So I get all those parts of a “someone” piecemeal from all my friends and family members.  I get shoulder to cry on here, concoct ideas over there, dream about winning the lottery over here, and share a Sunday afternoon there.  And I don’t get the best part of anyone, those parts are reserved for their someone or family.

At times I do an ok job convincing myself that the deal I’ve got going isn’t so bad.  I have awesome friends and an amazing family.  I get my needs met, even though its piecemeal, I don’t go completely without.  I am aware I have it better than some, many even.  Am I selfish for wanting more?  For wanting to feel validated and worthy because someone chooses me, and just me?

My best friend, Katie, wants me to put myself out there and start dating – I’ve been single for a year now.  I have my moments where that sounds exciting to me, but it mostly just feels like a meat market, and my feelings about my body trump my desire to put myself out there and risk being rejected.  All the things Chris used to say about my weight and how my beauty was measured by my size replay over and over in my mind and I can’t possibly imagine being viewed as beautiful at this weight.  I think, why would I go speed dating, or to some mixer, only to stand awkwardly by myself and not be approached by a single guy?  Why would I continue trying internet dating (ugh I hate it) when its all based so much off of the pictures that you post to attract someone to you.  I don’t even think I’m that interesting anymore – all of my hobbies, interests, and knowledge have been swallowed up by sorting out which dance classes to sign Pres up for, what Pres needs to know before preschool starts in three weeks, and what do my clients need from me this week?  Another person couldn’t possibly find any of that interesting.  All of these self-destructive thoughts don’t help my case at all, but I’ve got quite the crowd in my mind telling me these things and its hard to quiet it all down enough to risk putting myself out there.  :(

I have invested several hours this week looking online for a second job.  I need to find a way to bring more money in, without sending most of it out to childcare for Preston.  I want to work more, I want to make more money, but I want to be with Preston.  I don’t want to miss out on these precious years that he actually likes me.  I know that the reality of single parenthood is generally working two or even three jobs to pay the bills and make ends meet and I get so angry and upset that, that is my reality.  This is nowhere near what I wanted my life to be like.  I never would have laid out this path as the one to take.  Maybe that’s true of most peoples lives and you just have to work with where you are.  I know this.  I help people realize this and work to accept these things about life for a living!!  I am just really struggling with it for myself.  I don’t want my life to be like this but I can’t figure out what move to make in order to change it.  With every move I think about taking it means giving up something else that I don’t want to sacrifice.

I know a man (boyfriend/husband) won’t fix this.  I know having a second job won’t fix this. I know Preston’s dad being completely amicable and flexible won’t fix this.  Only I can decide to feel better about what my life is at the present moment.  I’m just really struggling with that.  I’m really struggling to cheerlead myself through this life.  I’m really struggling to find strength and perseverance through this time, through these years and years of uphill battle, where is the top?  When do I summit this beast of a mountain?  How much further and harder can I push?  Everyday I end my day praying to God that something gives because I simply don’t have anymore fight in me – and then everyday I wake up able to make it through one. more. day.  My definition of strength has always been that if you keep waking up every day and keep making it through each day then you are being strong, even if you feel weak the whole time.  Here’s to being strong…

Not enough!

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Today I ate toast with almond butter and an apple for breakfast.  Another piece of toast with almond butter for lunch.  And an apple with two cheese sticks for dinner!

NOT ENOUGH!!!

I caught up with an old friend from high school and ate breakfast on my way to her house.  I meant to only stay a couple of hours but we got to talking and before I knew it, it was 2pm!  She graciously gave Preston lunch while she fed her own kids but I knew I needed to do my own food, and I wasn’t all that hungry.  When we got home I lacked any motivation to put together a proper meal, so toast it was.  Then I had to work 6 to 9 tonight and was trying to get ready and head out the door and just forgot about dinner!  So I grabbed the fastest and easiest thing I could – another apple and two cheese sticks.  I knew if I didn’t eat before I went that I would be STARVING when I got home and would then be more likely to eat something I shouldn’t.  I probably didn’t even drink enough water for today so all around a weird day.  I will probably be ravenous when I wake up in the morning, but I’m ok with that.  I promise not to let tomorrow slip by without eating enough.

I’m hoping that I can get a bike ride in tomorrow if the weather is decent.  I haven’t been on my bike in a month!!  I really want to do another 10 miler or see if I could even push it a little further.  I’d love to do a ride to the zoo and back – round trip its about 14 miles I think.  We’ll see.  I’ll update more tomorrow!!  Hope you all ate enough today!!

Avoidance with a capital A!

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Ok I have been majorly avoiding my commitment to blogging regularly.  I’m sorry.  The past few weeks or even month have been challenging to say the least.  From birthday parties to traveling and personal drama I am ready for things to feel a little more consistent and calmer.  I think I am finally getting back to that :)

So where to begin??  This past week was bad on my diet.  I’m up 3lbs – its mostly water retention etc but I was definitely lazy last week (only 1 workout!) and ate poorly.  I wouldn’t say that I was binging but I was making the unhealthier choices instead of the healthier ones.  I’m ashamed to have put some weight back on but I’m back on the horse and back at it.  My hope is that this week I”ll be back to where I was two weeks ago and then I can keep losing.  It feels so good to look in the mirror and feel thinner.  It also feels good to shrink out of my clothes and I have some great winter clothes that if I stay focused will fit quite nicely this fall/winter.

Some of my reasons for not being strict with myself were just that I started to have cravings for bad stuff.  I think that the major reason the cravings began were because I’ve been having some personal drama with Preston’s dad.  I’m not going to get into details here because I don’t think that’s appropriate but it has had been really overwhelmed and stressed out for the past month or so.  I want so badly to not allow my eating/diet to be effected by stress but its what I know.  I eat to fill the empty/alone feeling when stuff is stressing me out!  No wonder I gained so much weight during grad school!!  Anyway, I am trying very hard to get myself back on track.  In the past messing up for a week would mean I would begin to believe that I wasn’t capable of losing weight and that I was failing.  I have tried to reorient my thinking so that I recognize the setback but don’t let it mean anything more than that.  Yesterday was the first “good” day start to finish.  I ate really well and did an hour of cardio which felt good and tiring.  I also got a full nights sleep that helped tremendously.  I noticed that when I’m making bad choices my water intake goes down a ton, so I have made a point to increase my water consumption again – it helps soooo much with cravings.

Aside from the diet/food issues and the drama with the baby daddy life has been alright.  Preston and I spent the weekend with my aunt two weekends ago and enjoyed pool time, eating out, a visit to Navy Pier and a fun production of Beauty and the Beast.  Preston was fascinated by the costumes and music of the show.  Preston is truly a dramatic and theatrical person at heart and so its really fun to take him to shows.  I like to watch him, watching the show, even though he doesn’t have the words to explain the pleasure he gets from it you can see it on his face and it just makes me so happy.  Last weekend we headed down to central Illinois where my best friend Katie lives.  Her daughter Lorelei (who happens to be my god-daughter) is 6 months younger than Preston and they have such a great time playing together while Katie and I enjoy spending grown up time together.  It was a nice quick trip.

Our summer has really been pretty fun.  Preston loves his ballet class.  We try to hit up the library regularly and the pool.  He doesn’t nap anymore – hasn’t in over a year – so we make the most of our day having fun and playing and then he’s asleep around 6:30pm.  That’s the best part of no naps, early bedtime and time to relax or go to work :)

I have been feeling this desire to reconnect or connect with people to expand my social network.  I have lots of friends, but they are mostly spread out and not easily accessible in person.  I also think that as you get older your circle of friends just keeps shrinking.  But in an effort to combat my loneliness I have decided I’d like more friends in the area.  So even though I haven’t really taken any major strides to meet a bunch of new people its something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Ok this post is getting totally random.  I am sorry for my absence and avoidance for so long.  I’m ready to get back to blogging regularly and sharing my success as well as my slower less productive weeks.

Month 2 Review

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In the past two weeks, since my last weigh in, I lost 3.4lbs!!!!  Holy moly I did not think that would happen!  I was hoping to come out even after all the cake/ice cream, and food on the road, and party/vacation food.  When we got home from my grandparents I made sure to get right back on the healthy eating track.  I exercised every day and probably underrate a little bit: it was SO HOT all I wanted to eat was salad, smoothies, and fruit.  So maybe that helped.  My total loss in two months is 24.2lbs!  I was hoping to be at 30lbs in two months but I am not complaining about 24.2 at all.  Especially because the past two weeks were rough on the diet front.

Last month I wrote down a few goals for this month.  Looks like I sort of accomplished two and missed the other two.  The goals I consider accomplished were to start running: I went running once.  So that’s a start right??  ;)  The other was to ride 10 miles on my bike.  This one I accomplished on Saturday which technically was one day after the month ended but I’m counting it anyway.  The two I missed were to have 5 workouts a week – birthday party prep and vacation prep/vacation really made it tough to accomplish this goal.  I’m finding that 4 workouts a week is a little more realistic with 5 being a bonus.  We’ll see how this month goes.  The one I definitely didn’t hit was to lose 15lbs this month.  I only lost 10 this month.  But really I shouldn’t say “only” I am really proud of the 10lbs I did lose.  So reflecting on this past month I am completely satisfied with how it all went down.

So now lets talk about goals for this month.  I’m still hoping for 15lbs this month so I will make that a goal.  I continue to have a desire to run so my goal is to run 3 times this month – I know that isn’t a lot but its a start and with the weather being so hot and the fact that I refuse to run indoors its the most I’m committing to.  I hope to continue riding my bike and instead of my goal being for one ride I will keep track and do a monthly miles goal of 25 miles.  I am really only able to get on my bike when Preston is with his dad and because I don’t know how much that will be this month I don’t want to over commit myself.  My last goal for this month is to get more sleep!!  My goal is to get 8+ hours at least 5 nights a week.  So in bullet form:

  • Lose 15lbs this month
  • Run 3 times this month
  • Ride 25 miles cumulative this month
  • 8+ hours of sleep at least 5 nights/week

 

I’m melting!

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This heat is so draining!  My last two workouts left me drenched in sweat and I was inside at the gym!!  I think that even when the air is on my body is responding to the temperature outside.  I don’t mind sweating when I’m working out though, so its ok.  I’m trying really hard to keep up with enough water though!  At least I like drinking water and I don’t tend to get sick of it even when I’m drinking a lot, so that is really helpful.

Yesterday I joined my friend Marissa at the gym for our regularly scheduled hour on the ellipticals.  She typically gets there before me, because I’m waiting on the child center to reopen from their afternoon siesta so that Preston can go play.  Yesterday she finished her workout about 13 minutes before I was done and so she went home.  She had told me about a trainer who had sought her out last week and asked if she was interested in a trainer.  She isn’t but he offered a free session and she took it.  So we have been on the lookout for this guy all week.  Well, sure enough about 5 minutes after she left he hopped on the elliptical next to me and started asking me about my workout goals.  I hope he didn’t see me role my eyes the second he joined me.  I told him about my success this far and also that I’ve lost weight before so I know what I’m doing – he still really wanted to give me a free training session.  I decided to go for it.  I mean whats the harm in having a free half hour with a personal trainer?  I am 100% aware that his goal is to get me to sign up for a trainer that I meet with on a weekly basis and also join the Lose Big Win Big challenge, so I’ll just go into it with “no thank you” on the tip of my tongue :)

I trained with a few different trainers when I was living in Atlanta but my experience with them was that they were very disengaged from my process.  Maybe its because I like to connect with people, but I’m not interested in being trained by someone who just fits me into some predetermined program and then works me out without feeling like there is some investment in me.  Is that selfish?  I guess I just expect from others what I would give. With my clients I invest in them.  I celebrate their victories and sit with them when they’re down – granted being a therapist is different than a trainer, but I think when people are trying to improve any area of their life its nice to feel like the person helping you is really cheering for you, not just going through the motions.  So aside from the overpriced cost of a trainer, I’m just not totally into inviting a trainer to give me workouts as unengaged as a workout video would.  I have thought that when I get closer to my goal weight and I want to tone or shape my body in ways that I am unsure of that I might hire a trainer to do some of that work with me.  But losing this weight is personal and I just haven’t found a trainer at a big gym like mine that feels really genuine.

So anyway, tomorrow I’m going to meet this guy and let him show me around (at least it forces me to go to the gym tomorrow) and maybe it will result in me using the weights more.  I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes.

I’m aching to take my bike out for a ride, but it is just so hot that I don’t think I could ride until 10PM or later!  I try really hard to get on my bike whenever Pres is with his dad, and the time in between is usually just long enough that I really miss it and am super excited when I get to ride.  I might try and go tonight around 8PM and see how long I survive.  I would also like to go tomorrow, but I’m just not sure if I’ll try to fit it in bright and early before it gets crazy hot, or wait until evening.  Either way, my bike is calling my name and the worst that can happen is I take my bike to my normal riding spot, ride for half a mile and realize that I’m insane and turn around and go home.  In the process I’ll probably sweat a lot and that will only help my weight for my weigh in on Sunday – since its been two weeks (and one of those eating somewhat poorly) I am anxious to hop back on the scale!!

Stay cool!! and hydrated!!

Two weeks that felt like two months!!

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So its been forever since I’ve constructed an actual post.  At first I kept forgetting because I was so busy and then I just decided I needed to focus on the business and come back to it after my trip.  So here I am.  I’m back!!!  Lots to update on :)

A week and a half ago was Preston’s 4th birthday party.  I spent a good portion of that week cleaning the house, baking layers of Preston’s rainbow cake and helping my aunt get ready for her move.  That week was bananas!!  The party went really well.  I even squeezed in a 7.5 mile bike ride before the party :)  I weighed myself the morning of the party and had lost 0.6lbs that week so my total now is 20.8lbs.  I can’t even remember if I posted that already.  I was happy that it was a loss and coming off of two larger weeks I was totally ok with it.

Before the party I had made a decision that from the day of the party until today I would let myself off the hook with the diet.  I knew I would be really busy so working out would be challenging to fit in- I got one in last week.  I also wanted to be able to relax with Preston’s party, going out for my friend Heidi’s birthday, then Preston’s actual birthday, my birthday, and a road trip to North Carolina to visit my grandparents all in a week and a half (although it feels like a month!).  I knew that this past week would be tough to have as much control and part of me wanted a little break from being strict.  Today I got back on track – went to the gym and started to sweat just walking out to my car because it is sooo crazy hot!  I also ate food that is diet approved.  I also tried really hard to drink a considerable amount of water because I kind of fell of the wagon with that as well.

Now for details: Preston’s party was a blast.  I worked really hard on the cake and it turned out awesome.  Everyone had a lot of good things to say (even though it was just box cake) and I was happy the rainbow-ness turned out!!

I also incorporated rainbow in the rest of the table setting.  I got colored goldfish crackers (because what kid doesn’t love goldfish??), I filled bowls with skittles and m&m’s.  I did a veggie tray and cheese & cracker tray and the part I was most proud of was the rainbow fruit kabobs!

I bought the fruit the morning of the party so it was all really fresh and it worked out really well.  I also added the Rolo’s at the end to represent the gold at the end of the rainbow :)  The fruit was a big hit!  Preston was really well behaved and had a ton of fun opening all of his presents.  My favorite picture of him is when we were all singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

I can not believe he’s 4 now!!!  Lots to reflect on!

I remember this day like it was yesterday!!

The week after the party was actual birthday week.  His birthday was on Tuesday and we celebrated by spending his birthday $$ at ToysRUs in the morning and catching Brave in 3D.  We had a great time and just enjoyed the day.  I had intended to do a whole birthday post about him – it will hopefully come later this week.  Preston is so special to me (of course because he’s my son), but having navigated 4 years (or 3 years and 10 months) of being a single mom has been no easy feat and I’m amazed at how far we have come.

My birthday was Thursday and was pretty uneventful.  I am now 29.  One year away from 30.  I have to be honest I am looking forward to my 30s, I think good things will happen in my 30s.  I will not be re-celebrating my 29th birthday for the rest of my life.  I plan to embrace the understanding, perspective, and wisdom that come with being in your 30s (and maybe hopefully a man!)  The only fun thing to happen on my birthday was that I decided to give myself bangs :)  I had the side bangs going for about a year but my hair was just begging to be normal bangs so I made the switch.  I like them for now.

The day after my birthday we left for North Carolina.  My older sister, Meredith and I had been planning for a couple of months to take a trip to North Carolina to visit my dad’s parents.  We call them Mimi and Papa.  I hadn’t taken Preston to their house since he was an infant.  I wanted to wait until he was old enough that I didn’t have to be on top of him at every moment making sure he didn’t get into trouble.  He did great!

Preston and I left Chicago around 7AM on Friday morning.  My sister had been visiting a friend in West Virginia so we were meeting her later in the day in KY.  I had Preston’s DVD player hooked up and enough movies to watch back to back to NC and back.  We loaded up with books, coloring books, Barbies, and other toys.  The trip there was pretty easy and we arrived about 12 hours later.  Papa had a list of activities planned for us that were Preston friendly.  Pres helped walk the dogs, took rides on the golf cart, we took him swimming, hiking, and to visit the goats at the Carl Sandberg Home.

throwing rocks into the stream

Papa and Meredith took Preston to a children’s museum while I hung out with my friend Johanita who drove up for the day on Saturday: she was my best friend when I lived in Atlanta, GA which is only about 3 hours from my grandparents house and we hadn’t seen each other in just over two years!!  Meredith took a few pictures of Preston at the children’s museum.

We really had a great time with my grandparents.  They are amazing people and its always nice to get out of town and spend quality time with family members you don’t get to see very often.

We got home around 6pm yesterday.  I was EXHAUSTED!  My diet was least clean on our trip but it was nice to be a little bit relaxed.  And food on the road can be tricky.  I am planning to weigh myself this Sunday as usual and if I’ve maintained or even gained a little I am 100% ok with that.  This is the part of the journey that I need practice with and so allowing times where I am not calorie counting or even eating decently are part of life and part of my journey.  I plan to take time off from the diet every couple of months just for practice and to be realistic.  I know a lot of people talk about not calling it a diet and just maintaining a healthy lifestyle change but I do look at the losing period of time as a diet – it works for me – and thats why I talk about it this way.  So overall I had a great couple of weeks.  I am ready for some normal life time though :)  Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th!